This resonated with me: I realized that revisiting these stories isn’t a sign of being stuck. It’s a sign of growing. I’m returning to the years I refused to look at.
I came out as gay in my early forties after 18 years in a heterosexual marriage. I still reprocess the guilt I feel about leaving my family. It isn't that I feel I did the wrong thing; it was that I didn't live up to my value of being the best husband and father I could be.
So, I revisit it again and again, to reassure myself that I can still be a good father, just not the one I had imagined.
That’s very true, Marija. In fact for me this is the main purpose of repetition, in what I do for a living (teaching the daily practice of math and reading), as well as what I do recreationally, the practices of meditation and singing. Every rep when done intentionally deepens the integration.
And yet another great reason for you to be my therapist, Bluth family metaphors that totally work. I’m at the place where I know I’m pretending to be someone other than me but so afraid of what’s underneath. I chose the word “aligned” for the year because I feel so misaligned right now. I’d love to unpack that with a good therapist (but have yet to find one that clicks).
Well, I can't be your therapist, I'm definitely happy to be in this community with you! The fact that you recognize what's going on and what's your fear is it's huge. Truly. Keep looking for the right fit, it really is the most important piece of the therapeutic relationship.
People don't understand just because you get older doesn't mean you have grown up as you say. But you were a child! Yes. I have taken that child into adulthood. Until, like you, I grew up. What a difference that made in my life.
This is so well written and cannot understated. People want to awaken to enlightenment and the first step is to move beyond being an adult child. Myself included. A ten year intense involvement with anorexia was my response to childhood trauma and undigested grief. It resulted in ten years of stunted growth, ten years gone from my life which necessitate their own bereavement.
Thank you for sharing this, and there's a lot of wisdom in it. Those years do need their own bereavement. Overtime I've come to let go of the grief over those years, lost anorexia. Mostly because I now see it as part of and help me survive and ultimately helps get me to where I am now. It is not something I would wish on anyone, but there are ways. I've come to see it as a strange gift.
Thank you for your response. I read your love letter and I know what you mean. I myself don’t see it exactly as a gift, but thankfully I know now that it doesn’t mean I’m cursed or I did something wrong that could’ve been helped. I look at all I went through, and I can see. Of course anorexia. It was not evidence of my moral failure but of my sanity. An appropriate, if unhealthy, response to my environment. It offered me the protection of numbness, a steady channel for me rage, the manageability of a shrunken world. It scarred me, but revealed the abusive dynamic I needed to heal within myself. Now I love her. The little girl who had the magic, the adolescent who lost it, and the adult who is devoted to rekindling it again and again.❤️🔥
This. Made me pause. Grown up body but still trying to deal with what happened - and repeating because you had not learned different- wow 😮 that struck. Thank you.
Thank you for letting me know, I'm so glad it resonated. Putting things like this out in the world is very scary and comments like yours make it worth it.
I could have written this myself. Same age. 44. I was an emotional toddler but I’ve been growing myself up for the last 8 years and I’m proud of the progress (albeit later than I thought).
And that looking inward is the tough. It. I’ve been in therapy for five months and he clearly said that we needed to empty all the pieces out of the box before we try to put the jigsaw back together. By Christmas I’d run away from it but I came back and suddenly last week there was this acknowledgment that I had to stop just telling the story about what had caused the wound - they were stacking up - I had enough justifications of why I felt like I did. I had to start going deeper which means exposure and vulnerability and I’m bloody scared but I’m not going to run away. The puzzle needs to go back and in the order I want this time. Thank you 🙏
There is no question. It is hard and brave Work, this one I know from both sides of that room.
I've been working as a clinical psychologist for 16 years, on and off I've been a patient for many more, and I just love that jigsaw puzzle metaphor. It didn't click for me until recently, until I started writing and realizing that that's what writing did for me… It helped me put those pieces of the puzzle together so I could see the big picture. It sounds like you're getting there a lot faster than I did😉! I'm glad you have found someone here beginning to trust.
I could totally relate to your reference to how we fail to fully show up as grown adults through the lens of “Arrested Development” (love the series..). It’s funny in the show but in real life your reflection gives it the depth it deserves. beautifully written, as always. Thanks for sharing.
Thank you. I can't say I ever thought of it this way while I was watching the show, which I absolutely adored. It just weirdly clicked into my head all these years later. Brains are funny (at least mine is)
Thank you 🙏
Thank you for reading and being here.
Yes, the courage to look inward and be seen. Wonderful.
Took a long time to figure it out, but I'm glad I got there!
This resonated with me: I realized that revisiting these stories isn’t a sign of being stuck. It’s a sign of growing. I’m returning to the years I refused to look at.
I came out as gay in my early forties after 18 years in a heterosexual marriage. I still reprocess the guilt I feel about leaving my family. It isn't that I feel I did the wrong thing; it was that I didn't live up to my value of being the best husband and father I could be.
So, I revisit it again and again, to reassure myself that I can still be a good father, just not the one I had imagined.
Ah, so that’s why I keep revisiting stuff I thought I’d dealt with!
Exactly!
Isn't that the truth? And how amazing that it waits patiently until we can face it, not just once but enough times to unpick that knot.
That is so true. I have definitely had to keep returning.
Repetition isn’t always regression.
Sometimes it’s the system integrating what it couldn’t hold before. 🤍
That’s very true, Marija. In fact for me this is the main purpose of repetition, in what I do for a living (teaching the daily practice of math and reading), as well as what I do recreationally, the practices of meditation and singing. Every rep when done intentionally deepens the integration.
So beautifully put.
Growth might be the awareness
Of what external and internal events
In youth were imposed upon you
Which thru lifespan
Morph in to your own design.
If those events don’t bring you comfort
How to put them in to perspective
If your best effort is not reciprocated
How to create a new path
That brings awareness, compassion
And the option to move closer
To peace on your terms.
Yes to this. Beautifully put!
And yet another great reason for you to be my therapist, Bluth family metaphors that totally work. I’m at the place where I know I’m pretending to be someone other than me but so afraid of what’s underneath. I chose the word “aligned” for the year because I feel so misaligned right now. I’d love to unpack that with a good therapist (but have yet to find one that clicks).
Well, I can't be your therapist, I'm definitely happy to be in this community with you! The fact that you recognize what's going on and what's your fear is it's huge. Truly. Keep looking for the right fit, it really is the most important piece of the therapeutic relationship.
People don't understand just because you get older doesn't mean you have grown up as you say. But you were a child! Yes. I have taken that child into adulthood. Until, like you, I grew up. What a difference that made in my life.
It really changes everything, doesn't it?
It sure does. Something happened last year that made me realise how far I had come. It felt so good.
Thank you for your honesty. I love the words 'we all have old wounds waiting for us to turn to them'. Best wishes Philippa
I'm glad it resonated. And thank you for being here and for your words. Truly.
This is so well written and cannot understated. People want to awaken to enlightenment and the first step is to move beyond being an adult child. Myself included. A ten year intense involvement with anorexia was my response to childhood trauma and undigested grief. It resulted in ten years of stunted growth, ten years gone from my life which necessitate their own bereavement.
Thank you for sharing this, and there's a lot of wisdom in it. Those years do need their own bereavement. Overtime I've come to let go of the grief over those years, lost anorexia. Mostly because I now see it as part of and help me survive and ultimately helps get me to where I am now. It is not something I would wish on anyone, but there are ways. I've come to see it as a strange gift.
Thank you for your response. I read your love letter and I know what you mean. I myself don’t see it exactly as a gift, but thankfully I know now that it doesn’t mean I’m cursed or I did something wrong that could’ve been helped. I look at all I went through, and I can see. Of course anorexia. It was not evidence of my moral failure but of my sanity. An appropriate, if unhealthy, response to my environment. It offered me the protection of numbness, a steady channel for me rage, the manageability of a shrunken world. It scarred me, but revealed the abusive dynamic I needed to heal within myself. Now I love her. The little girl who had the magic, the adolescent who lost it, and the adult who is devoted to rekindling it again and again.❤️🔥
I wouldn't normally share another post here, but since you and I share history, I wanted to say a little more on that strange gift…
https://becomingreal.substack.com/p/a-love-letter-to-the-illness-that?r=5s8e0e&utm_medium=ios
And it did of course offer me perspective with which to grasp, and not look away from, the suffering of others.
I wrote this piece that is more like an essay, a vignette into my experience, if you care to perceive ❤️
https://emergingbeloved.substack.com/p/anorexia-and-my-mother?r=16oy65&utm_medium=ios
I truly felt this.
Also, when my youngest son was a toddler, he only liked to wear denim shorts, and I would call him a Never Nude 🤍
Stop.it. My oldest was a never nude!
This. Made me pause. Grown up body but still trying to deal with what happened - and repeating because you had not learned different- wow 😮 that struck. Thank you.
Thank you for letting me know, I'm so glad it resonated. Putting things like this out in the world is very scary and comments like yours make it worth it.
I am glad you did
I could have written this myself. Same age. 44. I was an emotional toddler but I’ve been growing myself up for the last 8 years and I’m proud of the progress (albeit later than I thought).
So that’s why I love that show!! 🤪
I think it's even more impressive to grow up later. Well done.
I agree!
And that looking inward is the tough. It. I’ve been in therapy for five months and he clearly said that we needed to empty all the pieces out of the box before we try to put the jigsaw back together. By Christmas I’d run away from it but I came back and suddenly last week there was this acknowledgment that I had to stop just telling the story about what had caused the wound - they were stacking up - I had enough justifications of why I felt like I did. I had to start going deeper which means exposure and vulnerability and I’m bloody scared but I’m not going to run away. The puzzle needs to go back and in the order I want this time. Thank you 🙏
There is no question. It is hard and brave Work, this one I know from both sides of that room.
I've been working as a clinical psychologist for 16 years, on and off I've been a patient for many more, and I just love that jigsaw puzzle metaphor. It didn't click for me until recently, until I started writing and realizing that that's what writing did for me… It helped me put those pieces of the puzzle together so I could see the big picture. It sounds like you're getting there a lot faster than I did😉! I'm glad you have found someone here beginning to trust.
This is so touching, so deep, so raw, and so vulnerable. Thank you so much for sharing it. We all have much we can learn from you.
I could totally relate to your reference to how we fail to fully show up as grown adults through the lens of “Arrested Development” (love the series..). It’s funny in the show but in real life your reflection gives it the depth it deserves. beautifully written, as always. Thanks for sharing.
Thank you. I can't say I ever thought of it this way while I was watching the show, which I absolutely adored. It just weirdly clicked into my head all these years later. Brains are funny (at least mine is)
Mine too :) thank you!