One of the frustrating things about being a psychologist is that I can often recognize patterns in other people’s lives long before I recognize them in my own.
Lol!!! You also have the emotional stamina of a hundred people. If I had to work that hard, internally and externally, to maintain one friendship, I would have been gone a long time ago, especially if the boundary violations kept happening over and over again.
I just wrote an email to my physio last week with the subject line "Bracing for Impact". I started going to her a few years ago when I ended up with chronic pelvic pain after surgery. We made some progress managing the pain but she couldn't figure out why my upper body held so much tension all the time and she couldn't figure out how to get it to release. I went back to her recently because some of the old problems had resurfaced after I decided I should re-join the gym and try all of the classes I used to love in the span of a few days (not a great idea). She commented again on the tightness of my upper body. This time I was pretty sure I knew what was happening and why.
When I got home I wrote to her about growing up in an abusive home and being sexually assaulted as a child - I have spent a good portion of my life bracing for impact and it shows up in my body in ways I never even realized. My body reacts like the entire world is a dangerous place so I too am working on being more aware of my thoughts and staying open to the idea that I don't always need to be bracing for impact.
“The person I’m protecting myself from is no longer entirely the person sitting across from me. I’m mostly protecting myself from slipping back into the role I used to play.” That is the whole essay right there, and it lands with a quiet thud to the chest.
What you are describing is the next stage of the work. The one nobody warns us about. We spend years learning to hold the boundary. Then we discover that the boundary has quietly become the posture, and the posture is doing its own kind of damage to a relationship we actually want to stay in. Learning to lower the shoulders without lowering the discernment is, I think, one of the more advanced pieces of this whole endeavor.
Thank you for naming it so honestly. This is the kind of essay that gives permission for a lot of us to look at where our own guardedness has outlived its usefulness.
Again, you see something in my writing that I didn't entirely see myself, thank you for this. The line in this particular comment that did it for me is this: the guardedness outliving its usefulness. Beautifully said.
The body still bracing for the version of yourself you worked so hard to leave behind. That is the sentence I needed today. I can recognize the dynamic now, name it, hold the boundary when it’s needed. What I am only beginning to understand is that the guardedness itself has a cost even on the days when nothing difficult actually happens. Still walking into certain rooms already prepared for battles that don’t materialize. The work is apparently longer than the understanding suggests it should be.
Thank you for writing this essay. It is SO well thought out and explained, and at the same time, the sheer amount of energy and self-examination I imagine you went through in real life to be able to write it exhausted me, and that says nothing about what you've lived through with this person. You've been through all of this for years for ONE relationship. I applaud you for your caring, your patience, your tenacity, and your emotional stamina. Humans can be so incredibly exhausting, it blows my mind.
oof, i totally get this. What has helped me (when a good friend texts/calls and I have a flare up of "Boundaries!") is to think of it in simpler terms of "anxiety," (my own and the other person's) not the multi-layered "boundaries"- boundaries is kind of an intellectual, a concept, and as you point out- the experience is VERY physical. I can argue with myself about whether the boundary makes sense, is right and all of that pseudo-logical stuff but when I notice my anxiety/anxiousness flare-up, it makes it much easier for me to address/notice my own emotions in the moment, settle my body with some deep breaths, and not fight either the emotions or my trying to defend myself/ brace myself for saying NO. And most of the time, there's no "no" to say. When I'm not in a charged state, then I don't feel the other person's anxiety as mine. or their requests. I hope that made sense(!) And the best part for me is that then I can be much more gentle with the other person, when I'm not fighting myself too;) I read somewhere that anxiety is uncertainty plus your underestimating your coping abilities/skills, adn that equation has helped tremendously in everythign I do, esp parenting, adn other relationships. Phew, long not so clear comment but if i try to edit I'll never post and I wanted to say, that I appreciated your exploration on boundaries, and bracing for impact(!)
This comment it's totally clear and incredibly useful. It is saying exactly what I'm trying to do through this essay, which is understand my role in the dynamic so that I can change the part that belongs to me. My body is usually what helps me understand what belongs to me and you name this beautifully.
Thank you for this. What a profound insight!! There’s a difference between being protected and being perpetually guarded. Healing isn’t just learning to say “no”; it’s learning to trust yourself enough that you don’t have to anticipate every wound before it happens. This gave me a lot to think about…🙏🙏💜💜
Thank you so much for this lovely comment. I am trying best I can to remember to look more at myself than at the actions of others. It is seriously exhausting work🤪!
Love this, and thank you for sharing such vulnerable truths. As I read, I found myself thinking, Yes! Yes! I know exactly what she means.
I’m so grateful for the work I’ve been doing with my therapist. One of the first things I recognized was what I believed was my inability to set healthy boundaries. I truly believed that if I said no, or told someone that something they had said or done had hurt me, they would either become angry (an old trigger for me) or simply walk away.
Over the past two years, learning to set boundaries has opened the door not only to better self-care, but also to healing wounds from my past. It’s been one of the greatest gifts of this journey.
My thoughts are with you and I want to tell you you’re not alone. 💜
Thank you for this, for letting me know I'm not alone, but more than that, for showing me by being vulnerable with your own story. This is exactly why I love this community so very much.
I found this part particularly resonant. That repeated brace can be exhausting.
"When I walk into a conversation already protecting myself, I don’t meet the other person where they are today. Instead, I meet years of accumulated history, and I listen through the filter of what has happened before instead of what’s happening now"
What an insightful article. Thank you. I recognised that in myself about bracing for impact. I had no idea to what extent I had been doing that. And as you say being present with the past rather than what is presenting in this moment. That also hit a cord.
A therapist needing a therapist makes sense for we often do not see our own situations clearly because we’re actors in it not observers. When I was a health coach the company I worked for incentivized us to get health coaching sessions to take care of ourselves as well.
With regard to friendships and boundaries, I don’t know how I’d class a friendship if I always have to face our interactions guarded. Perhaps having a conversation to confront the constant requests from them for me would take care of things.
What you describe is so human. We all do it and we all see it in others and never in ourselves. Friends and sometimes therapist and very often husbands hold up mirrors to show us what we miss and that is OK. We all need boundaries, we all need kindness and sometimes there are people who provide us with the opportunities to develop the kindness, patience, resilience, that we didn't know we had. I remember once saying to a dear old lady that I wished I was more patient with people. Her response was 'don't worry dear, life will give you lots of opportunities to learn'. You are top of the class
This is good food for thought, I don’t have many people at this point in my life I need to set boundaries with but I will take notice if I am ‘bracing myself for the conversation.
Your body still bracing after the behavior already changed is something I recognize from hypervigilance too. It runs the old prediction on repeat regardless of what's actually on the calendar, and the wear happens even on days nothing happens at all.
Exactly! It makes me think of a class I took in college, now decades ago, the psychology of learning. Do you know the concept of behavior extinction? Once it's in place it's very very hard to change. The good news, it's not impossible!
Lol!!! You also have the emotional stamina of a hundred people. If I had to work that hard, internally and externally, to maintain one friendship, I would have been gone a long time ago, especially if the boundary violations kept happening over and over again.
I just wrote an email to my physio last week with the subject line "Bracing for Impact". I started going to her a few years ago when I ended up with chronic pelvic pain after surgery. We made some progress managing the pain but she couldn't figure out why my upper body held so much tension all the time and she couldn't figure out how to get it to release. I went back to her recently because some of the old problems had resurfaced after I decided I should re-join the gym and try all of the classes I used to love in the span of a few days (not a great idea). She commented again on the tightness of my upper body. This time I was pretty sure I knew what was happening and why.
When I got home I wrote to her about growing up in an abusive home and being sexually assaulted as a child - I have spent a good portion of my life bracing for impact and it shows up in my body in ways I never even realized. My body reacts like the entire world is a dangerous place so I too am working on being more aware of my thoughts and staying open to the idea that I don't always need to be bracing for impact.
Thank you for sharing this, and I'm so sorry for what you had to go through as a child, nobody should have to go through that.
You're insight, though is clear, and I'm glad you are working on the parts that are yours to work on. I think that's really the best any of us can do.
our body do keep scores. Thank you for sharing something so vulnerable.
“The person I’m protecting myself from is no longer entirely the person sitting across from me. I’m mostly protecting myself from slipping back into the role I used to play.” That is the whole essay right there, and it lands with a quiet thud to the chest.
What you are describing is the next stage of the work. The one nobody warns us about. We spend years learning to hold the boundary. Then we discover that the boundary has quietly become the posture, and the posture is doing its own kind of damage to a relationship we actually want to stay in. Learning to lower the shoulders without lowering the discernment is, I think, one of the more advanced pieces of this whole endeavor.
Thank you for naming it so honestly. This is the kind of essay that gives permission for a lot of us to look at where our own guardedness has outlived its usefulness.
Again, you see something in my writing that I didn't entirely see myself, thank you for this. The line in this particular comment that did it for me is this: the guardedness outliving its usefulness. Beautifully said.
The body still bracing for the version of yourself you worked so hard to leave behind. That is the sentence I needed today. I can recognize the dynamic now, name it, hold the boundary when it’s needed. What I am only beginning to understand is that the guardedness itself has a cost even on the days when nothing difficult actually happens. Still walking into certain rooms already prepared for battles that don’t materialize. The work is apparently longer than the understanding suggests it should be.
DK, The Unraveling 🤍
That is exactly right. Our bodies hold our histories tightly.
That, they do.
Thank you for writing this essay. It is SO well thought out and explained, and at the same time, the sheer amount of energy and self-examination I imagine you went through in real life to be able to write it exhausted me, and that says nothing about what you've lived through with this person. You've been through all of this for years for ONE relationship. I applaud you for your caring, your patience, your tenacity, and your emotional stamina. Humans can be so incredibly exhausting, it blows my mind.
This both makes me feel seen and made me laugh out loud. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I am fucking exhausting! Such a true story🤪.
oof, i totally get this. What has helped me (when a good friend texts/calls and I have a flare up of "Boundaries!") is to think of it in simpler terms of "anxiety," (my own and the other person's) not the multi-layered "boundaries"- boundaries is kind of an intellectual, a concept, and as you point out- the experience is VERY physical. I can argue with myself about whether the boundary makes sense, is right and all of that pseudo-logical stuff but when I notice my anxiety/anxiousness flare-up, it makes it much easier for me to address/notice my own emotions in the moment, settle my body with some deep breaths, and not fight either the emotions or my trying to defend myself/ brace myself for saying NO. And most of the time, there's no "no" to say. When I'm not in a charged state, then I don't feel the other person's anxiety as mine. or their requests. I hope that made sense(!) And the best part for me is that then I can be much more gentle with the other person, when I'm not fighting myself too;) I read somewhere that anxiety is uncertainty plus your underestimating your coping abilities/skills, adn that equation has helped tremendously in everythign I do, esp parenting, adn other relationships. Phew, long not so clear comment but if i try to edit I'll never post and I wanted to say, that I appreciated your exploration on boundaries, and bracing for impact(!)
This comment it's totally clear and incredibly useful. It is saying exactly what I'm trying to do through this essay, which is understand my role in the dynamic so that I can change the part that belongs to me. My body is usually what helps me understand what belongs to me and you name this beautifully.
Thank you for this. What a profound insight!! There’s a difference between being protected and being perpetually guarded. Healing isn’t just learning to say “no”; it’s learning to trust yourself enough that you don’t have to anticipate every wound before it happens. This gave me a lot to think about…🙏🙏💜💜
Thank you so much for this lovely comment. I am trying best I can to remember to look more at myself than at the actions of others. It is seriously exhausting work🤪!
Love this, and thank you for sharing such vulnerable truths. As I read, I found myself thinking, Yes! Yes! I know exactly what she means.
I’m so grateful for the work I’ve been doing with my therapist. One of the first things I recognized was what I believed was my inability to set healthy boundaries. I truly believed that if I said no, or told someone that something they had said or done had hurt me, they would either become angry (an old trigger for me) or simply walk away.
Over the past two years, learning to set boundaries has opened the door not only to better self-care, but also to healing wounds from my past. It’s been one of the greatest gifts of this journey.
My thoughts are with you and I want to tell you you’re not alone. 💜
Thank you for this, for letting me know I'm not alone, but more than that, for showing me by being vulnerable with your own story. This is exactly why I love this community so very much.
Ah…this is me. Me with my brother and it just happened recently after not seeing him for a year. You have given me much to think about. Thank you.
I'm so glad to know this resonated. Some of these relationships, we don't choose, but that matter to us can be so difficult to navigate.
’
I found this part particularly resonant. That repeated brace can be exhausting.
"When I walk into a conversation already protecting myself, I don’t meet the other person where they are today. Instead, I meet years of accumulated history, and I listen through the filter of what has happened before instead of what’s happening now"
Thank you sharing this. It's beautifully written.
I'm glad it resonated. It's good to have company here❤️.
Not easy work. 💛
❤️
What an insightful article. Thank you. I recognised that in myself about bracing for impact. I had no idea to what extent I had been doing that. And as you say being present with the past rather than what is presenting in this moment. That also hit a cord.
I'm so glad it resonated. It's taking me a long time to see what my body was telling me.
A therapist needing a therapist makes sense for we often do not see our own situations clearly because we’re actors in it not observers. When I was a health coach the company I worked for incentivized us to get health coaching sessions to take care of ourselves as well.
With regard to friendships and boundaries, I don’t know how I’d class a friendship if I always have to face our interactions guarded. Perhaps having a conversation to confront the constant requests from them for me would take care of things.
I've learned so much more about being a therapist from being IN therapy than I did in school🙃!
What you describe is so human. We all do it and we all see it in others and never in ourselves. Friends and sometimes therapist and very often husbands hold up mirrors to show us what we miss and that is OK. We all need boundaries, we all need kindness and sometimes there are people who provide us with the opportunities to develop the kindness, patience, resilience, that we didn't know we had. I remember once saying to a dear old lady that I wished I was more patient with people. Her response was 'don't worry dear, life will give you lots of opportunities to learn'. You are top of the class
I LOVE this. Life is one giant annoying learning opportunity!
Some get more opportunities than others
This is good food for thought, I don’t have many people at this point in my life I need to set boundaries with but I will take notice if I am ‘bracing myself for the conversation.
❤️. I'm down to just a couple as well (phew)
Your body still bracing after the behavior already changed is something I recognize from hypervigilance too. It runs the old prediction on repeat regardless of what's actually on the calendar, and the wear happens even on days nothing happens at all.
Exactly! It makes me think of a class I took in college, now decades ago, the psychology of learning. Do you know the concept of behavior extinction? Once it's in place it's very very hard to change. The good news, it's not impossible!