". .. love does not always follow a family tree. It only needs presence and care."
So beautiful and true, just like all your children, biological or bonus.
Child/early 20s me thought my love wasn't real/good/worth enough because I wasn't actually genetically related to them.
Mid-30s me knows real family are the people who choose to show up again and again, not the ones who feel automatically entitled to your time and energy because of microscopic proteins.
This is such a beautiful reflection — tender, grounded, and full of quiet truth. What really stays with me is how you’ve shown love expanding beyond the boundaries we expect. The image of “collecting daughters” feels both poetic and profoundly human — it speaks to the way love keeps finding its own paths, even when life looks different from what we imagined.
I also love that you name the freedom that comes when love isn’t confined to roles or definitions — when we simply show up for one another and let care take shape in its own way. There’s something healing in that, something that feels like grace.
Love this! My daughter considers you a second Mom even though she does not see you often. She has always felt your love for her.
She was so worried that your baby #3 would be a girl and would replace her status as “your daughter.” She was so relieved to hear the baby was another boy ❤️. She kept her standing in your life.
Oh no I don’t think you’re being a Pollyanna… I probably slide into self criticism most of the time, somehow thinking if only I had done this or that differently then things would be better. I guess it’s a form of control-because it means that I can affect the outcome with ideal parenting. But somehow I can’t get there-the ideal parenting I mean. Following all that expert advice that abounds… is hard plus often experts slightly contradict each other. Where would you say was your most significant growth? Was it letting go of something? Because besides being a perfectly patient empathetic mother (which I’m clearly not) who always has a measured and considered response I can’t see the growth path… obviously I can accept my flaws and my child’s but that also seems too passive to me!
Oh, I feel every word of this. There is no such thing as ideal, parenting, and in truth, I don't believe in parenting experts. Because no one can be an expert in who you are and how you are raised and who your child is and how those two forces interact. There is no perfect script, I genuinely believe the best we can do is focus on the unseen forces that impact us and try to be thoughtful about when we passed down to our children.
It's hard for me to name what was the most significant catalyst for my own growth as a parent, and let me assure you I am not a perfect parent by any measure. But I think what was most helpful for me, particularly with my oldest son who has been more of a challenge, is really letting go of my need to control him. Learning to let him stumble and learn from his mistakes without clearing the path ahead of him. I can't say it's been an easy road for me, it's been challenging at every turn, but I love who he is becoming, and I do feel how he has pushed me to grow. It's involved a lot of therapy on both our parts! And even more work outside of therapy.
I desperately wanted daughters and have two. I also have a son (the youngest). My daughters are young teens. Research shows mother-daughter relationships are very stressful and testing during the teen years. I can confirm that.
And also: One of my children turned out v different from how I had imagined it. Hugely challenging. That’s hard. Life as you say, doesn’t always match up to what you imagined. But also, there isn’t always a good ending or a lesson, is there? Or maybe I can’t see it in this moment.
Thank you for sharing this. Watching my friends and their daughters during these teenage years, I see how challenging the other daughter relationship can be, even in the best of circumstances. Certainly isn't always a good ending, I do think the children who challenge us the most are the ones who also offer the most opportunity for us to grow his parents and as people. I'm not trying to be too Pollyanna, sometimes growth is painfully uncomfortable, and no good outcome is guaranteed. But when my son was going through the worst of it, there was some comfort in the fact that I was doing my best to be better.
". .. love does not always follow a family tree. It only needs presence and care."
So beautiful and true, just like all your children, biological or bonus.
Child/early 20s me thought my love wasn't real/good/worth enough because I wasn't actually genetically related to them.
Mid-30s me knows real family are the people who choose to show up again and again, not the ones who feel automatically entitled to your time and energy because of microscopic proteins.
That is absolutely right and so freeing to feel. And you are young and have much of a lifetime to enjoy it!
This is such a beautiful reflection — tender, grounded, and full of quiet truth. What really stays with me is how you’ve shown love expanding beyond the boundaries we expect. The image of “collecting daughters” feels both poetic and profoundly human — it speaks to the way love keeps finding its own paths, even when life looks different from what we imagined.
I also love that you name the freedom that comes when love isn’t confined to roles or definitions — when we simply show up for one another and let care take shape in its own way. There’s something healing in that, something that feels like grace.
Thank you! I love "my" girls:). I'm lucky to have them.
Love this! My daughter considers you a second Mom even though she does not see you often. She has always felt your love for her.
She was so worried that your baby #3 would be a girl and would replace her status as “your daughter.” She was so relieved to hear the baby was another boy ❤️. She kept her standing in your life.
We all love you 🥰
She will always be one of my daughters, a very favorite one in fact. Time and distance don't matter a single bit.
We are born in to the net of our family
Biological and Chosen next of kin
Porous, welcoming, yielding
Fish that fit will swim to and fro
As such, the net will flex and grow.
I love this analogy.
Oh no I don’t think you’re being a Pollyanna… I probably slide into self criticism most of the time, somehow thinking if only I had done this or that differently then things would be better. I guess it’s a form of control-because it means that I can affect the outcome with ideal parenting. But somehow I can’t get there-the ideal parenting I mean. Following all that expert advice that abounds… is hard plus often experts slightly contradict each other. Where would you say was your most significant growth? Was it letting go of something? Because besides being a perfectly patient empathetic mother (which I’m clearly not) who always has a measured and considered response I can’t see the growth path… obviously I can accept my flaws and my child’s but that also seems too passive to me!
Oh, I feel every word of this. There is no such thing as ideal, parenting, and in truth, I don't believe in parenting experts. Because no one can be an expert in who you are and how you are raised and who your child is and how those two forces interact. There is no perfect script, I genuinely believe the best we can do is focus on the unseen forces that impact us and try to be thoughtful about when we passed down to our children.
It's hard for me to name what was the most significant catalyst for my own growth as a parent, and let me assure you I am not a perfect parent by any measure. But I think what was most helpful for me, particularly with my oldest son who has been more of a challenge, is really letting go of my need to control him. Learning to let him stumble and learn from his mistakes without clearing the path ahead of him. I can't say it's been an easy road for me, it's been challenging at every turn, but I love who he is becoming, and I do feel how he has pushed me to grow. It's involved a lot of therapy on both our parts! And even more work outside of therapy.
I desperately wanted daughters and have two. I also have a son (the youngest). My daughters are young teens. Research shows mother-daughter relationships are very stressful and testing during the teen years. I can confirm that.
And also: One of my children turned out v different from how I had imagined it. Hugely challenging. That’s hard. Life as you say, doesn’t always match up to what you imagined. But also, there isn’t always a good ending or a lesson, is there? Or maybe I can’t see it in this moment.
Thank you for sharing this. Watching my friends and their daughters during these teenage years, I see how challenging the other daughter relationship can be, even in the best of circumstances. Certainly isn't always a good ending, I do think the children who challenge us the most are the ones who also offer the most opportunity for us to grow his parents and as people. I'm not trying to be too Pollyanna, sometimes growth is painfully uncomfortable, and no good outcome is guaranteed. But when my son was going through the worst of it, there was some comfort in the fact that I was doing my best to be better.
Life can turn out so different than we anticipate--and yet be better than we could have planned.
Exactly!!! We just have to be open to receiving whatever comes our way I guess.