Thanks for sharing these thoughts - I think you've uncovered something really important here. When we try to write to influence others, we lose our own authenticity. I've resisted writing here on Substack to influence others, and instead have used this space to deconstruct my messy life -- mostly in service of my own mental health, but hopefully for the benefit of others, as well. At times I wonder if this is the best approach. After reading your article, I feel validated.
I can relate to this post so much. I think one of the biggest challenges is realizing that how much you are performing at least that was my experience. I didn’t realize how I was performing, and when I was performing, and once I identified that I was performing at all, and where I had to be real… that’s when I was ready to receive the people who were waiting for me the whole time.
I think that's exactly right. I can still slip into performance mode without even recognizing it. The more I do it the last time it takes me to realize what I'm doing at least. But it's pretty embedded in me.
This is perfect. If there’s a single person that would influenced by what they read from me, other than my education, get them help. I have taken the hardest damn path possible and still have mounds of debt to prove it.
I really felt this. I spent so many years performing competence — being the “good one,” the one who held everything together — because I thought that was the only way to be acceptable. It wasn’t vanity, it was survival. So when someone asks whether my writing is about influencing, something in me tightens too, because I’ve worked so hard to let go of that old script.
What I’m learning is that performance creates distance, even when our intentions are good. Presence creates connection. And it’s connection — not admiration — that actually heals us.
Your idea of being a de-influencer resonates deeply. I don’t want to shape how anyone should live either. I want to show what it looks like to be real: the falling apart, the rebuilding, the ache and the honesty of it all. Not to prove anything, but to stop hiding.
There’s something powerful about choosing truth over polish, and relationship over image.
Writing feels like the first place where I’ve stopped performing and started telling the truth — and finding that the truth is enough.
I love the way you stated, that it is connection, not admiration, that heals us. Admiration gives us a dopamine hit, but connection truly suits us. That is a beautiful interpretation. Thank you.
Thank you for summing up my experience perfectly! I stressed myself out trying to get the best grades at Uni. Neglected my home life, just to prove to myself I was good enough. And for what. No one has ever asked to see my certificate and I haven’t really used the degree, that I can tell. But I have always struggled with social media because I don’t like the performance aspect. That’s difficult if you need to use digital platforms for work purposes. I’m literally building the courage to write publicly and really did not want to perform or pretend. What you see is what you get with me. So, thank you for sharing your experience. I feel so relieved to read this and feel like I have permission now to just be myself 😅.
As Substack continues to change, and I see even more (unwelcome) changes lining up for the future. I see more and more folks either A. - giving up or B. - Turning to more and more performative content.
It's really unfortunate. I won't perform, so therefore I know I have a very bleak future on Substack. But for as long as it is here, I will continue to show up, being myself, appreciating those like yourself who are also showing up and being real.
I'm afraid you are right. And that sucks, quite frankly. I love reading and connecting with people fumbling through, those will always be my people, because I will always be fumbling along too:)
I noticed this too. It's a little unsettling for those who initially found substack to be a place for connecting with like-minded people in a very organic and genuine way. There has been a shift but I try to ignore it and also focus on connection/conversation when I engage. I hope that it will come back around!
I really appreciate this. Thanks for writing and sharing this piece. As always, I appreciate and applaud what you have to say. And I look forward to reading your book someday.
This touched a chord. Two months on Substack and I am questioning if it takes away from my focus of completing a large project. I know that unknown writers have been told they need some kind of platform to be published so that might be the motive - although I wish it weren’t .
As someone who works to help others and myself grow and evolve, what a relief it was to realize one day I didn’t need to prove anything to anyone. What I needed was to hold on to my sense of self. Beautiful piece, thank you.
Ditto! I’ve come away from a lot of social media. I can’t stand the performance. I feel deeply sorry for the kids of influencers who use their kids as accessories.
Thank you for influencing me to become a de-influencer! Actually, I read this at the exacty same time I was coming to the same conclusions. So that's a really nice boost to my new way of writing and engaging with this mad online world :)
Yes! I’m finding it’s an awesome place as long as I ignore all the ‘growth systems’ that flooded my feed when I started. Now I just want to read good things, write good things and be a part of this awesome community. Let’s see how that works out.
Yes! I agree, there was certainly a learning curve to it at the beginning. Eventually, my fees stopped giving me those things, and I am so grateful for it.
Thanks for sharing these thoughts - I think you've uncovered something really important here. When we try to write to influence others, we lose our own authenticity. I've resisted writing here on Substack to influence others, and instead have used this space to deconstruct my messy life -- mostly in service of my own mental health, but hopefully for the benefit of others, as well. At times I wonder if this is the best approach. After reading your article, I feel validated.
It sounds like we have found ourselves on the same page:)
I can relate to this post so much. I think one of the biggest challenges is realizing that how much you are performing at least that was my experience. I didn’t realize how I was performing, and when I was performing, and once I identified that I was performing at all, and where I had to be real… that’s when I was ready to receive the people who were waiting for me the whole time.
I think that's exactly right. I can still slip into performance mode without even recognizing it. The more I do it the last time it takes me to realize what I'm doing at least. But it's pretty embedded in me.
This is perfect. If there’s a single person that would influenced by what they read from me, other than my education, get them help. I have taken the hardest damn path possible and still have mounds of debt to prove it.
Ha. And I bet you have so much wisdom from it. I feel like our falls are our best teachers, even though it SUCKS to live through it.
Thanks for introducing me to the de-influencer world !
I’m new to it too:)
Thoughtful <3
Thank you:)
Most of us live for others… not for ourselves.
I really felt this. I spent so many years performing competence — being the “good one,” the one who held everything together — because I thought that was the only way to be acceptable. It wasn’t vanity, it was survival. So when someone asks whether my writing is about influencing, something in me tightens too, because I’ve worked so hard to let go of that old script.
What I’m learning is that performance creates distance, even when our intentions are good. Presence creates connection. And it’s connection — not admiration — that actually heals us.
Your idea of being a de-influencer resonates deeply. I don’t want to shape how anyone should live either. I want to show what it looks like to be real: the falling apart, the rebuilding, the ache and the honesty of it all. Not to prove anything, but to stop hiding.
There’s something powerful about choosing truth over polish, and relationship over image.
Writing feels like the first place where I’ve stopped performing and started telling the truth — and finding that the truth is enough.
Thank you for naming this so clearly.
I love the way you stated, that it is connection, not admiration, that heals us. Admiration gives us a dopamine hit, but connection truly suits us. That is a beautiful interpretation. Thank you.
I love how you honor real connection over performance... it’s becoming a rare kind of bravery to choose truth over image like this. 🖤
Thank you so much for this. As much as I know this to be true, it's still hard to do and I still don't always succeed.
I feel that. It’s messy and uneven for all of us, but even noticing it and choosing to try again is its own kind of success, I think. 🥂🖤
Exactly! Each time it gets a little easier to get where I want to be, and I am counting that as a full success.
Hell yes! Cheers to that! 🥂🖤🔥
Many people haven’t yet met themselves, for they are always trying to be the performative, curated image of who they think they should be.
As Oscar Wilde said, “Be yourself. Everyone else is already taken.”
Yes, that is a great quote!
Thank you for summing up my experience perfectly! I stressed myself out trying to get the best grades at Uni. Neglected my home life, just to prove to myself I was good enough. And for what. No one has ever asked to see my certificate and I haven’t really used the degree, that I can tell. But I have always struggled with social media because I don’t like the performance aspect. That’s difficult if you need to use digital platforms for work purposes. I’m literally building the courage to write publicly and really did not want to perform or pretend. What you see is what you get with me. So, thank you for sharing your experience. I feel so relieved to read this and feel like I have permission now to just be myself 😅.
I love reading this! I hope you will find this space as freeing and supportive as I have!
As Substack continues to change, and I see even more (unwelcome) changes lining up for the future. I see more and more folks either A. - giving up or B. - Turning to more and more performative content.
It's really unfortunate. I won't perform, so therefore I know I have a very bleak future on Substack. But for as long as it is here, I will continue to show up, being myself, appreciating those like yourself who are also showing up and being real.
I'm afraid you are right. And that sucks, quite frankly. I love reading and connecting with people fumbling through, those will always be my people, because I will always be fumbling along too:)
I noticed this too. It's a little unsettling for those who initially found substack to be a place for connecting with like-minded people in a very organic and genuine way. There has been a shift but I try to ignore it and also focus on connection/conversation when I engage. I hope that it will come back around!
That's exactly where I am too. The like minded people are still here and it's important to hold onto them.
I really appreciate this. Thanks for writing and sharing this piece. As always, I appreciate and applaud what you have to say. And I look forward to reading your book someday.
This means a whole hell of a lot to me, thank you.
This touched a chord. Two months on Substack and I am questioning if it takes away from my focus of completing a large project. I know that unknown writers have been told they need some kind of platform to be published so that might be the motive - although I wish it weren’t .
That is fantastic. I think for now my time to write is limited so still feeling on the fence.
I get that/
So interesting and that was in fact, my motivation coming on here, but what I found was so much more and it is certainly not what keeps me here.
Great post. I feel seen.
As someone who works to help others and myself grow and evolve, what a relief it was to realize one day I didn’t need to prove anything to anyone. What I needed was to hold on to my sense of self. Beautiful piece, thank you.
Thank you! And yes, it is like being able to take a full breath when you constantly fighting for air.
Freedom!
Ditto! I’ve come away from a lot of social media. I can’t stand the performance. I feel deeply sorry for the kids of influencers who use their kids as accessories.
Agreed on every level.
Thank you for influencing me to become a de-influencer! Actually, I read this at the exacty same time I was coming to the same conclusions. So that's a really nice boost to my new way of writing and engaging with this mad online world :)
It is mad, isn't it? I'm so glad this landed somewhere helpful. Happy to be in this community with you.
Yes! I’m finding it’s an awesome place as long as I ignore all the ‘growth systems’ that flooded my feed when I started. Now I just want to read good things, write good things and be a part of this awesome community. Let’s see how that works out.
Thanks for the subscription :)
Yes! I agree, there was certainly a learning curve to it at the beginning. Eventually, my fees stopped giving me those things, and I am so grateful for it.