Yesterday I was standing in the middle of a noisy arcade surrounded by flashing lights, claw machines, and overstimulated children when my phone started ringing from an unknown number.
It is 3:30 AM here in California and I shouldn’t be awake. But I got up to use the bathroom and I couldn’t go back to sleep. So I sat down in my study and wondered what to do…go back to sleep…or start my work for the day…or…Then your post came in and I thought, “Perfect!”
And yes, once again your post came at the perfect time and had a perfect message for me. Because I’m right smack in the middle of one of those deeply meaningful times. Not the crazy happy times. But not the sad and lonely times either. Just a time when I am feeling highly connected to people and when my heart is feeling a strange peace amidst the noise and chaos.
Let me explain. This past month, my mom-in-law passed away. Then I had major surgery, removing my thyroid gland. And currently, I’m watching two close friends die of cancer. Yeah. Hard stuff. (And always in the back of my head, knowing I have a daughter who has always struggled with mental issues who hasn’t talked to me in almost four years. So I can sorta relate to your story regarding you and oldest son.)
Two days ago though, we had a memorial for my mom-in-law here at home and I saw relatives and long lost friends I hadn’t seen in years and it was such a powerful time of reconnection. I had deep conversations with 2 nephews of my husband who used to be kids and are now 20-somethings, inquisitive, curious and spiritually searching. My kind of connections. Meanwhile, screaming kids (not mine) are running all around our yard which in the past drove me crazy but now they just make me smile and remind me of the “good old days.”
In two weeks, I return to the Philippines and I get to see the under-resourced kids at the school we’ve built there, now in its fifth year of operations. Those kids always fill my heart. We also get to expand on our work with our safe house for abused women and children. I get to meet up with the staff we have been training and building up since last year. I also get to scuba dive at our dive resort…a sport I just started two years ago at 58 and am now thoroughly obsessed with! (The dive resort provides funds and ready employment for the girls at our safe house.)
Finally, I’ve had long and wonderful discussions lately with my two sons (who love and adore me…thank God) and my husband who is missing his mom but is bravely going through the stages of grief and bringing me along with him (as opposed to shutting me out like he used to).
A full life. A very good life. Not always “happy.” But one that I get to move through with purpose and dignity. One that I created with God. And one that fills my heart with gratitude even on days when I get up at 3 AM and can’t go back to sleep.
I'm so grateful you shared this, it's beautiful. Life seems so strange that way, it can be hard to recognize the meaningful moments because they don't always feel big or even good. But it sounds like you are doing the rare thing of recognizing exactly the moment it is happening.
And off course, you are about to head to a place where you have done, and are doing, a world of good. Happy or not, you should be so proud of yourself. Sending you so much love❤️.
Why does it feel like every time I comment with my thoughts and you respond, it feels like a satisfying one-hour appointment with my favorite therapist? Thank you for always affirming me. Even though I haven’t been to a therapist’s office in years and am now doing my own professional work of spiritually healing others, your affirmation of how I’m doing still matters. Isn’t that funny?
Your son may be in a very different place now, but your body clearly still remembers the older version of those calls. I appreciated how gently you held the relief of hearing him sound proud and grounded, and the reality that parents don’t just update their nervous systems on command. Annoying design flaw, frankly.
I've missed you. It is an annoying design, flaw, indeed. We cannot will our bodies into forgetting, and I suppose there are ways that is probably a good thing. Cell, I'm grateful my body was wrong this time.
Every single time I struggled with something, my parents came to my rescue and did everything *for* me. Back then, I was grateful that I didn't have to deal with a lot of crap since I could just pass it on to them.
I first started to feel the repercussions when I moved out to do my Master’s in the Netherlands. While my roommates and classmates seemed to juggle everything, I needed everything on a platter. It was also when I first got depressed and eventually suicidal. Being closeted with my parents didn't make any of it easier.
I wish I had learned how not to freak out when things are falling apart. I wish someone had taught me that psychological stability is just as important as physical stability.
I'm glad that your boy is learning everything he would need in life now. I'm proud of you both. ❤️❤️
It breaks my heart to hear this part of your story. For a long time I was a parent who rescued, until I became afraid I would lose my own boy and realized that I was inadvertently contributing to his deep unhappiness.
Here's what I know about you, even though I only know you online: you have come a long, long way in learning to take care of yourself and with that is gonna come self compassion and love. I know you can still get stuck, but it feels almost like I can see you changing even through this format and from across the world.
I love this piece. It sounds like your Oldest is on his way to a fulfilling grown-up life. How good that must make you feel. 💕 Your writing shows how well you know and love him.
PS: I nearly have a heart attack any time I get a message like that. My kids think I'm nuts.
What a beautifully ordinary moment to carry such a big lesson — phone ringing in an arcade, your body bracing for the version of him who used to need you in crisis, only to hear the version of him who is bow drilling and learning DBT and bonding with his guide team thousands of miles from home. That is the parenting whiplash no one warns you about. The nervous system takes longer to update than the kid does.
The line about happiness being slippery is certainly the one we will carry with us. So much of what we are sold as good parenting is really just discomfort management — for us as much as for them. The harder, slower work is letting them struggle into the people they are becoming, and trusting that competence, connection, and purpose are the things that actually hold a life together when happiness is doing what happiness does, which is come and go.
He sounds well. You sound proud. Both can be true at the same time…, which is its own quiet miracle.
The arcade and wilderness contrast gives this essay its deepest emotional force. You are standing in a place designed to manufacture immediate happiness when an unexpected phone call pulls your body back into the history of fear, crisis, and all the versions of motherhood that had to brace before they could breathe. What moved me most is that the call becomes ordinary and extraordinary at the same time: ordinary in its practical request, extraordinary because your son’s voice carries competence, purpose, connection, and pride from a life that once felt so fragile. The wisdom here is painfully earned: happiness matters, but it is too slippery to carry the whole weight of parenting. Grateful for the honesty with which you show that some of the deepest formation comes through discomfort, responsibility, and difficulty that helps a person discover they can survive hard things without losing connection to themselves or others.
Another great post. Yes, happiness is definitely slippery. I try to focus myself, my daughter, and my patients on the deeper Joy and internal peace which we only understand with growth 💖
There are moments for parents when one of our kids gives us a feeling of relief or a sense of pride. That feeling fills us up and stays with us forever. I treasure those snippets of life because they don't happen every day. 🐢
"Happiness, though, is slippery. It rises and falls depending on circumstances, moods, relationships, disappointments, luck, weather, and a thousand other forces we can’t control." This is so true and it's hard when we realise how much challenge is beyond our control. And how much beauty and loveliness too.
This is beautiful, and I can't wait to hear you two talking on the Substack live 😀
Thank you❤️❤️❤️
It is 3:30 AM here in California and I shouldn’t be awake. But I got up to use the bathroom and I couldn’t go back to sleep. So I sat down in my study and wondered what to do…go back to sleep…or start my work for the day…or…Then your post came in and I thought, “Perfect!”
And yes, once again your post came at the perfect time and had a perfect message for me. Because I’m right smack in the middle of one of those deeply meaningful times. Not the crazy happy times. But not the sad and lonely times either. Just a time when I am feeling highly connected to people and when my heart is feeling a strange peace amidst the noise and chaos.
Let me explain. This past month, my mom-in-law passed away. Then I had major surgery, removing my thyroid gland. And currently, I’m watching two close friends die of cancer. Yeah. Hard stuff. (And always in the back of my head, knowing I have a daughter who has always struggled with mental issues who hasn’t talked to me in almost four years. So I can sorta relate to your story regarding you and oldest son.)
Two days ago though, we had a memorial for my mom-in-law here at home and I saw relatives and long lost friends I hadn’t seen in years and it was such a powerful time of reconnection. I had deep conversations with 2 nephews of my husband who used to be kids and are now 20-somethings, inquisitive, curious and spiritually searching. My kind of connections. Meanwhile, screaming kids (not mine) are running all around our yard which in the past drove me crazy but now they just make me smile and remind me of the “good old days.”
In two weeks, I return to the Philippines and I get to see the under-resourced kids at the school we’ve built there, now in its fifth year of operations. Those kids always fill my heart. We also get to expand on our work with our safe house for abused women and children. I get to meet up with the staff we have been training and building up since last year. I also get to scuba dive at our dive resort…a sport I just started two years ago at 58 and am now thoroughly obsessed with! (The dive resort provides funds and ready employment for the girls at our safe house.)
Finally, I’ve had long and wonderful discussions lately with my two sons (who love and adore me…thank God) and my husband who is missing his mom but is bravely going through the stages of grief and bringing me along with him (as opposed to shutting me out like he used to).
A full life. A very good life. Not always “happy.” But one that I get to move through with purpose and dignity. One that I created with God. And one that fills my heart with gratitude even on days when I get up at 3 AM and can’t go back to sleep.
I'm so grateful you shared this, it's beautiful. Life seems so strange that way, it can be hard to recognize the meaningful moments because they don't always feel big or even good. But it sounds like you are doing the rare thing of recognizing exactly the moment it is happening.
And off course, you are about to head to a place where you have done, and are doing, a world of good. Happy or not, you should be so proud of yourself. Sending you so much love❤️.
Why does it feel like every time I comment with my thoughts and you respond, it feels like a satisfying one-hour appointment with my favorite therapist? Thank you for always affirming me. Even though I haven’t been to a therapist’s office in years and am now doing my own professional work of spiritually healing others, your affirmation of how I’m doing still matters. Isn’t that funny?
I think that's very human, and I feel it too! The connections here runs equally in both directions.
Lovely article thank you, I can relate to this.
I'm so glad it resonated, and I really appreciate your sharing that with me.
Your son may be in a very different place now, but your body clearly still remembers the older version of those calls. I appreciated how gently you held the relief of hearing him sound proud and grounded, and the reality that parents don’t just update their nervous systems on command. Annoying design flaw, frankly.
I've missed you. It is an annoying design, flaw, indeed. We cannot will our bodies into forgetting, and I suppose there are ways that is probably a good thing. Cell, I'm grateful my body was wrong this time.
Missed you too. Time is not my best friend these days. And that kind of relief you described says something important has changed.
I get what you're saying about time, but it also makes me curious to know more. Professional hazard, I guess?!❤️
We are a curious bunch, aren’t we? 😁
Indeed!
Every single time I struggled with something, my parents came to my rescue and did everything *for* me. Back then, I was grateful that I didn't have to deal with a lot of crap since I could just pass it on to them.
I first started to feel the repercussions when I moved out to do my Master’s in the Netherlands. While my roommates and classmates seemed to juggle everything, I needed everything on a platter. It was also when I first got depressed and eventually suicidal. Being closeted with my parents didn't make any of it easier.
I wish I had learned how not to freak out when things are falling apart. I wish someone had taught me that psychological stability is just as important as physical stability.
I'm glad that your boy is learning everything he would need in life now. I'm proud of you both. ❤️❤️
It breaks my heart to hear this part of your story. For a long time I was a parent who rescued, until I became afraid I would lose my own boy and realized that I was inadvertently contributing to his deep unhappiness.
Here's what I know about you, even though I only know you online: you have come a long, long way in learning to take care of yourself and with that is gonna come self compassion and love. I know you can still get stuck, but it feels almost like I can see you changing even through this format and from across the world.
I love this piece. It sounds like your Oldest is on his way to a fulfilling grown-up life. How good that must make you feel. 💕 Your writing shows how well you know and love him.
PS: I nearly have a heart attack any time I get a message like that. My kids think I'm nuts.
Old habits die hard, huh?!😉. And thank you so much, I'm so grateful.
Love the paths of two sons at the same moment....:)
Thank you❤️❤️❤️
What a beautifully ordinary moment to carry such a big lesson — phone ringing in an arcade, your body bracing for the version of him who used to need you in crisis, only to hear the version of him who is bow drilling and learning DBT and bonding with his guide team thousands of miles from home. That is the parenting whiplash no one warns you about. The nervous system takes longer to update than the kid does.
The line about happiness being slippery is certainly the one we will carry with us. So much of what we are sold as good parenting is really just discomfort management — for us as much as for them. The harder, slower work is letting them struggle into the people they are becoming, and trusting that competence, connection, and purpose are the things that actually hold a life together when happiness is doing what happiness does, which is come and go.
He sounds well. You sound proud. Both can be true at the same time…, which is its own quiet miracle.
Sometimes it feels like a cacophonous miracle, thank you for seeing that!!
The arcade and wilderness contrast gives this essay its deepest emotional force. You are standing in a place designed to manufacture immediate happiness when an unexpected phone call pulls your body back into the history of fear, crisis, and all the versions of motherhood that had to brace before they could breathe. What moved me most is that the call becomes ordinary and extraordinary at the same time: ordinary in its practical request, extraordinary because your son’s voice carries competence, purpose, connection, and pride from a life that once felt so fragile. The wisdom here is painfully earned: happiness matters, but it is too slippery to carry the whole weight of parenting. Grateful for the honesty with which you show that some of the deepest formation comes through discomfort, responsibility, and difficulty that helps a person discover they can survive hard things without losing connection to themselves or others.
I am so grateful for your interpretations of my words and how you always find away to add depths and texture. Thank you.
May all of our children learn these lessons in the ways that best suite them.. May we all!! 🙏🏾
In gratitude!
Love this. I took a long route to figure it out, but I'm grateful my kids are learning earlier:)
Another great post. Yes, happiness is definitely slippery. I try to focus myself, my daughter, and my patients on the deeper Joy and internal peace which we only understand with growth 💖
Thank you for this, and I think that is a great focus, and a gift to your daughter and to your patients.
There are moments for parents when one of our kids gives us a feeling of relief or a sense of pride. That feeling fills us up and stays with us forever. I treasure those snippets of life because they don't happen every day. 🐢
I could not agree with this more wholeheartedly.
goosebumps
❤️❤️❤️ (I am honored by that).
"Happiness, though, is slippery. It rises and falls depending on circumstances, moods, relationships, disappointments, luck, weather, and a thousand other forces we can’t control." This is so true and it's hard when we realise how much challenge is beyond our control. And how much beauty and loveliness too.
It sure is❤️