What’s lovely essay. My mother did not live long enough for us to reach the grace and tolerance phase of our relationship, and your writing made me wonder what that could have looked like. I think I’ll write her a letter and see what it says.
This is so lovely, and similar to what happened with my husband's parents, who I adored like they were my own. My mum-in-law passed suddenly, one minute she was there, making dinner, playing with the kids, the next minute gone. My dad-in-law had dementia and he was long gone before he was gone sadly. We're still trying to recover from his death last year. They were very old (90) and lived full and somewhat tragic lives. My parents are a different story. Not to be told here. And you're right, you do see them through different, more understanding eyes as you get older.
Thank you for sharing parts of your story here. There are so many different kinds of loss in each one is so hard in his own way. I do think losing someone while they are still there is its own unique challenge. I'm glad you had a wonderful in-laws, and as they tend to say in the Jewish tradition, I hope their memories are a blessing.
Oh my goodness, what a wonderful story about a wonderful family. You are so fortunate. For my own mental and emotional health, I had to disconnect from my parents as an adult and did not see them for the last twenty-five years of their lives. Take advantage of every moment you have with yours.
This felt very real to read. The kind of love that comes with age -- not tidy, not sentimental, just honest. Seeing your parents as people, not roles, is such a strange and tender shift. There’s a lot of quiet grace in this. Thank you for writing it the way you did.
I read this with interest on a couple of fronts. It brought back to mind the visit where going 'home" to mom and dad no longer felt like a comfort. There was so much to be concerned about as my mom slowly declined over time with congestive heart failure. It felt even more so as my dad also cognitively declined in the last year of her life. Not having siblings to share the care felt extra scary to me.
I have come to understand my mother so much more since she died. I think had she lived longer, I was ready to talk about some of the things I was learning about myself, and I think she was ready too, but she quickly took a turn and ended up in hospice before we could do that. I was an ADHD kid, which no one understood in those days. She was the complete opposite of me. I know I frustrated her. I never doubted her love, though. When I think about how she lost 3 of her four children, I understand more and more how amazing she was in light of the losses she suffered.
Another thing, one of the things I "worry" about in aging is that I already feel the effect of the grandparents' empty nest. It is a thing. I can't imagine not tolerating/wanting to see them any time, anywhere. It's an interesting thought to me how you described your visit. I can see the visits would be different, though. lI do get it that toleration for lots of people at once gets overwhelming.
Carol, thank you for sharing this. I do love getting to know you. He really has amazing how we learned about our parents as we get older and can see them through a different lens. I am so sorry you didn't have the opportunity to do that as much as you wanted well your mother was alive, but it sounds like you've still found a way to connect to her and her experiences still, that's pretty amazing.
I have a dear friend who just lost her mother, and she doesn't have siblings, so I've seen firsthand how hard that is.
Beautiful story. My parents both passed away young 65/67. Which most likely was a blessing for us all. But this story is so nice to read. My parents would have been the same ages as yours are. I happy for you to have these experiences with them- what a blessing for the 3 of you to have had this visit!
My mother didn't bring me to her parents' funerals. I heard about their death's years later. She was an only child, and alcoholic my entire life.
My father lost his father to suicide, and his mother to TB 1 year later. He was a pre-teen. Dad & siblings were split up raised in boarding and prep schools by a maternal grandmother.
He didn't take me to my aunt or uncles death beds, let alone funerals. . I was denied the opportunity to have wisdom and love passed down. Scattered doesn't quite capture the felt sense of fractured I experienced. Thanks be for sisters and friends who help me appreciate so much that wasn't available in my early years. It was grim, and the memory doesn't sting as it once did. (Yes, I like a "tidy" bow when it is called for :-))
Watching a parent decline is tough. The grief is real and confusing. It is about being patient and meeting them where they are. For me, I lost Mum well before she died last year. It was a tough time and one full of love.
Thank you for this generous and beautiful comment. I imagine this process happens for a lot of people. It is so complicated holding contrasting emotions at the same time.
Beautiful words. I can totally relate. 🥰
Thank you for this:)
What’s lovely essay. My mother did not live long enough for us to reach the grace and tolerance phase of our relationship, and your writing made me wonder what that could have looked like. I think I’ll write her a letter and see what it says.
I think that is a beautiful idea. I would have felt so differently if I lost my parents before I had the opportunity to grow up myself.
This is so lovely, and similar to what happened with my husband's parents, who I adored like they were my own. My mum-in-law passed suddenly, one minute she was there, making dinner, playing with the kids, the next minute gone. My dad-in-law had dementia and he was long gone before he was gone sadly. We're still trying to recover from his death last year. They were very old (90) and lived full and somewhat tragic lives. My parents are a different story. Not to be told here. And you're right, you do see them through different, more understanding eyes as you get older.
Thank you for sharing parts of your story here. There are so many different kinds of loss in each one is so hard in his own way. I do think losing someone while they are still there is its own unique challenge. I'm glad you had a wonderful in-laws, and as they tend to say in the Jewish tradition, I hope their memories are a blessing.
Oh my goodness, what a wonderful story about a wonderful family. You are so fortunate. For my own mental and emotional health, I had to disconnect from my parents as an adult and did not see them for the last twenty-five years of their lives. Take advantage of every moment you have with yours.
I am fortunate and am truly grateful for this time and for all the love they raised me with.
This is such a beautiful, tender, honouring piece ❤
Thank you so much.
This felt very real to read. The kind of love that comes with age -- not tidy, not sentimental, just honest. Seeing your parents as people, not roles, is such a strange and tender shift. There’s a lot of quiet grace in this. Thank you for writing it the way you did.
Oh wow, thank you for this beautiful message.
This is such a difficult and complex thing to go through that we are certainly not prepared for! Sending understanding care 💛
Received:). Thank you so much.
Hi friend,
I read this with interest on a couple of fronts. It brought back to mind the visit where going 'home" to mom and dad no longer felt like a comfort. There was so much to be concerned about as my mom slowly declined over time with congestive heart failure. It felt even more so as my dad also cognitively declined in the last year of her life. Not having siblings to share the care felt extra scary to me.
I have come to understand my mother so much more since she died. I think had she lived longer, I was ready to talk about some of the things I was learning about myself, and I think she was ready too, but she quickly took a turn and ended up in hospice before we could do that. I was an ADHD kid, which no one understood in those days. She was the complete opposite of me. I know I frustrated her. I never doubted her love, though. When I think about how she lost 3 of her four children, I understand more and more how amazing she was in light of the losses she suffered.
Another thing, one of the things I "worry" about in aging is that I already feel the effect of the grandparents' empty nest. It is a thing. I can't imagine not tolerating/wanting to see them any time, anywhere. It's an interesting thought to me how you described your visit. I can see the visits would be different, though. lI do get it that toleration for lots of people at once gets overwhelming.
Always, lovely to read your words. Carol
Carol, thank you for sharing this. I do love getting to know you. He really has amazing how we learned about our parents as we get older and can see them through a different lens. I am so sorry you didn't have the opportunity to do that as much as you wanted well your mother was alive, but it sounds like you've still found a way to connect to her and her experiences still, that's pretty amazing.
I have a dear friend who just lost her mother, and she doesn't have siblings, so I've seen firsthand how hard that is.
Sending love💙.
This is so tender and loving. I'm glad you are able to cherish these visits. 💗
Thank you for this.
Beautiful story. My parents both passed away young 65/67. Which most likely was a blessing for us all. But this story is so nice to read. My parents would have been the same ages as yours are. I happy for you to have these experiences with them- what a blessing for the 3 of you to have had this visit!
I'm sorry about your parents. Loss is hard no matter when it comes, but I am grateful for the time I continue to get.
My mother didn't bring me to her parents' funerals. I heard about their death's years later. She was an only child, and alcoholic my entire life.
My father lost his father to suicide, and his mother to TB 1 year later. He was a pre-teen. Dad & siblings were split up raised in boarding and prep schools by a maternal grandmother.
He didn't take me to my aunt or uncles death beds, let alone funerals. . I was denied the opportunity to have wisdom and love passed down. Scattered doesn't quite capture the felt sense of fractured I experienced. Thanks be for sisters and friends who help me appreciate so much that wasn't available in my early years. It was grim, and the memory doesn't sting as it once did. (Yes, I like a "tidy" bow when it is called for :-))
It's a got to get to know your people through their lifespan. I'm so sorry you never got that opportunity. Sending love❤️
Spot on. Thank you.
Watching a parent decline is tough. The grief is real and confusing. It is about being patient and meeting them where they are. For me, I lost Mum well before she died last year. It was a tough time and one full of love.
Thank you for sharing this and I'm so sorry for your loss. You're right, it is so tough to lose someone before they are fully gone.
Thank you for this generous and beautiful comment. I imagine this process happens for a lot of people. It is so complicated holding contrasting emotions at the same time.