Every single point you listed resonated deeply. Being relatively new here, I realize I’ve missed a number of your earlier posts, so having them gathered and expanded like this feels like Christmas arriving early. Thank you for taking the time to share this so generously.
Bravo!!! You summarized so many of my hard-earned lessons in a succinct, honest and engaging manner. Thank you! I have been through so much childhood trauma, lost a brother to suicide, and stayed in a 10-year abusive marriage before I finally did therapy. I am now 60 years old and a spiritual inner healer. My current husband and I run a safe house for abused women and children. Recovery is super hard. Helping others recover is equally challenging. This world is so full of pain. But because of therapists and beautiful human beings like you, I feel so much hope for humanity!
Pia, your words are a gift to me this morning. What an incredible story you have. Taking pain, integrating it into your experience and then using it to help other people. The world needs more of that.
Thank you for saying that. When I retired from being a teacher in order to open up a safe house, I thought I was going crazy! But I felt God gently nudge me in this direction and I’m so glad I listened to that still, small voice. I always tell our new clients that I’m not a therapist and I’m not an expert. I’m just someone who has such a deep compassion for anyone struggling because of how long it took me to finally get out of my own dark pit. Once you’ve made it out and started enjoying the light of day, the only obvious thing to do is to crawl into other people’s pits (with their permission of course) and guide them out the best way you know how. Today, dancing in the garden under the sun, together with those whom I’ve helped get out of their own pits, is the single most joyful thing which I get to do over and over again. And when one of us stumbles and falls back into one of those old abandoned pits, we all take turns crawling in and helping that person back out again!
It's just beautiful. It's not something everybody finds a way to do, but it is such a gift when you can do that. Both to yourself and to whoever you're helping.
Restacked. As a psychotherapist of almost 40 years, I too have experienced everything you’ve shared here. Your work is beautiful. Rich. Wise. Needed.
And I am a bit amused at my own reaction in finding it. 🤔 Perhaps there are many of us here who feel seen by you in a way our clients cannot possibly see us….
I can totally see that, and yet you are opening a door so many of us have been looking for. Thank you for your vulnerability, and your realness. It’s quite striking really… I hope this is giving you something you need too.
I'm so grateful for the connections I have found here. More than that, it is reinforcing for me that being authentic is what creates meaningful connection.
This is a most fantastic and excellent article! Thank you so much for recognizing the skills associated with both being a clinical psychologist and a patient. I know the feeling in my own way. I am knee deep in the potential trenches of already having been accepted into graduate school for the online MA Happiness Studies degree program at Centenary University, yet receiving scholarships is the only way to pay for school, even though I graduated with Dean’s List recognition via my Bachelor’s degree in Psychology at George Mason University back in May 2012. I have been a patient undergoing therapy in a few different occasions for different reasons, both at College Park, MD years ago and currently in Manassas, VA via two different Therapists. Fortunately, I have found the light I carry and hold for safe keeping now that my Grief, Trauma, and Sexual Abuse I have experienced, is now going to be laid to rest so to speak. Much appreciated and much deserved of this process! 🥰🙏🏽✌🏽🤩
I agree, most definitely! I started learning about and studying Positive Psychology when I was attending George Mason University starting in Spring 2011. I began with taking a phenomenal course by Todd aka Todd Kashdan, Ph.D. via The Science of Well-Being/Character Strengths. I absolutely loved the course and I fully appreciated the person who came to be my favorite Professor of Psychology and current supporter of mine thereafter. I would eventually take many courses such as Cross-Cultural Psychology with Eric Shiraev, Ph.D., and Special Topics: Psychological Fitness with Jerome Short, Ph.D., for example. I was inducted into Psi Chi-The International Honor Society of Psychology in March 2012, and I was afterwards inducted into The Honor Society of Phi Kappa Phi in April 2012, respectively. Consequently, I graduated with Dean’s List recognition via my Bachelor’s degree in Psychology around May 2012.
Much appreciated. I definitely loved being a scholar in college, and I had multiple sources of people aka friends and Professors who turned out to be supporters of my education. I truly took advantage of my schooling since I had the ultimate chance of a lifetime, in my humble opinion. Thanks so much for crossing your fingers about my potential for scholarship opportunities. Do you have any advice for me on finding additional scholarships? My old friend Dave told me to check out for local scholarships, so I recently did that to find any additional ones. I have been on the unique website, ProFellow, founded/created by Dr. Vicki Johnson. I fortunately continue to receive her emails every so often so it’s been awhile. I highly recommend ProFellow for the UMD students when I used to work as a Program Assistant back in the day for two years’ time starting in February 2015 to February 2017. I worked at the UMD Office of Multi-Ethnic Student Education in College Park, MD. I absolutely loved my job there, and it was my favorite in my entire life. The only reason I ended up losing that job of mine is due to budget cuts. I was fortunate to have been given a going-away party in the office! Can you believe it? I certainly couldn’t at the time, yet it was honestly a Godsend to me. Guess what else? A few of the College Success Scholars (CSS) UMD students told me the following in conversation: “You are a legend.” I honestly couldn’t believe it once again, yet it took me a moment to realize it was actually happening to me. I was extremely thankful and grateful to them. I made sure to connect with many of the students on Facebook to keep in touch going forward.
Beautiful article! I especially appreciated, and needed, the reminder about vulnerability. I have been an over-sharer for as long as I can remember, I think stemming from a deep desire to be understood. But I failed to recognize the truth you shared that not everyone has earned into our tender places...Thank you for sharing this piece.
Thank you thank you thank you for your post! As a fellow clinical psychologist and long-term therapy patient myself, I am deeply appreciative of your vulnerability and sharing your experience so openly. 💛
"almost everything I believe about recovery and healing has come from lived experience"
This is a really, really important point. It's the same in business - even an MBA from the top business school and a Masters in Statistics or Economics or Finance will not replace the experience of actually running a business. Sometimes this is forgotten.
Also, the point that therapy isn't about "healing" is salient; nothing is broken to "fix." It's about being seen and heard - but this requires both people being in the space fully, as actual, embodied humans come together.
Very wise words spoken from a place of experience. #9 & #10 spoke to me. The road to happiness is not a straight highway & it contains detours, roadblocks & rough rides. That you travel this road while practicing self-compassion is vital to growth. Loving yourself as you would a loved one helps the journey be a little smoother - shock absorbers, so to speak, & some GPS help.
I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and this felt like someone turning on the light without blinding me.The ones that hit my body: silence costs more than honesty, boundaries only need my own consent, and nothing changed for me until I felt it,not just understood it. Also your reminder that healing moves at nervous-system pace? That’s the truth I wish I’d learned earlier. 💛🤗
Wonderful post Michael, thankyou. I'm taking particular note of points 5. When in doubt, slow down, 7. The things you avoid are often most important, and 8. Healing follows your own pace and your own nervous system. (But the whole list was well worth reflecting on!)
As a retired psychologist, I’m glad to have found you. You’re right. Good therapists must do their own work.
My current therapist is older than me. I first started working with her 20 years ago. Each time I contact her, I cross my fingers and hope that she’s still working. The best therapists are rare and so precious to find.
As someone who’s also had multiple relapses/breakdowns, I am eager to read more about your experiences.
Thank you for this and I'm so glad you are here. I also have a therapist who is older than me and I keep holding my breath waiting for her to tell me she is retiring. I know I will deal with that, but as you said the therapist you feel connected to is hard to find. I will never take it for granted and I always hope to be that for my patients too.
Thank you for the list. You inspire me to include such a list for the story I am writing about my life for my grandchildren. If I had to find a new therapist, my first question would be to tell me where they have done their work....and I don't mean where they studied. I am so grateful for my therapist, who has engaged his own story. He says his whole career came out of the work he has done around his own story. Now, if he can just hold on until I die, he is 15 years younger than my 77 years. I'm pretty sure you have clients who would feel the same way about you.
I am no longer on Substack. I needed to put my energies back into my own blog of 20 years and continue to write my story. I still follow my favorites, though! And you are one of them.
I'm so glad you are still here, maybe one day you will also put your blog up in this space, I would love to follow along. And I totally get how important it is when you find a good therapist that they stick around. I have one of my own and I know she will retire one of these days, but mostly I pretend that's just not so:)
I’m retired now but was a psychologist for four decades. This post is so very wise and reflects so much of what I discovered in my work with clients and in my own personal deepening and growth. Thank you!
Thank you so much for sharing your response with me, it means more than you know. This work is a gift. Really, being on both sides of the room is the true gift.
Every single point you listed resonated deeply. Being relatively new here, I realize I’ve missed a number of your earlier posts, so having them gathered and expanded like this feels like Christmas arriving early. Thank you for taking the time to share this so generously.
Oh wow, this comment feels like a gift in and of itself to me. Thank you.
Bravo!!! You summarized so many of my hard-earned lessons in a succinct, honest and engaging manner. Thank you! I have been through so much childhood trauma, lost a brother to suicide, and stayed in a 10-year abusive marriage before I finally did therapy. I am now 60 years old and a spiritual inner healer. My current husband and I run a safe house for abused women and children. Recovery is super hard. Helping others recover is equally challenging. This world is so full of pain. But because of therapists and beautiful human beings like you, I feel so much hope for humanity!
Pia, your words are a gift to me this morning. What an incredible story you have. Taking pain, integrating it into your experience and then using it to help other people. The world needs more of that.
Thank you for saying that. When I retired from being a teacher in order to open up a safe house, I thought I was going crazy! But I felt God gently nudge me in this direction and I’m so glad I listened to that still, small voice. I always tell our new clients that I’m not a therapist and I’m not an expert. I’m just someone who has such a deep compassion for anyone struggling because of how long it took me to finally get out of my own dark pit. Once you’ve made it out and started enjoying the light of day, the only obvious thing to do is to crawl into other people’s pits (with their permission of course) and guide them out the best way you know how. Today, dancing in the garden under the sun, together with those whom I’ve helped get out of their own pits, is the single most joyful thing which I get to do over and over again. And when one of us stumbles and falls back into one of those old abandoned pits, we all take turns crawling in and helping that person back out again!
It's just beautiful. It's not something everybody finds a way to do, but it is such a gift when you can do that. Both to yourself and to whoever you're helping.
Restacked. As a psychotherapist of almost 40 years, I too have experienced everything you’ve shared here. Your work is beautiful. Rich. Wise. Needed.
And I am a bit amused at my own reaction in finding it. 🤔 Perhaps there are many of us here who feel seen by you in a way our clients cannot possibly see us….
I don't think I can express how much this means to me. Being on here has honestly been very humbling.
I can totally see that, and yet you are opening a door so many of us have been looking for. Thank you for your vulnerability, and your realness. It’s quite striking really… I hope this is giving you something you need too.
I'm so grateful for the connections I have found here. More than that, it is reinforcing for me that being authentic is what creates meaningful connection.
This is a most fantastic and excellent article! Thank you so much for recognizing the skills associated with both being a clinical psychologist and a patient. I know the feeling in my own way. I am knee deep in the potential trenches of already having been accepted into graduate school for the online MA Happiness Studies degree program at Centenary University, yet receiving scholarships is the only way to pay for school, even though I graduated with Dean’s List recognition via my Bachelor’s degree in Psychology at George Mason University back in May 2012. I have been a patient undergoing therapy in a few different occasions for different reasons, both at College Park, MD years ago and currently in Manassas, VA via two different Therapists. Fortunately, I have found the light I carry and hold for safe keeping now that my Grief, Trauma, and Sexual Abuse I have experienced, is now going to be laid to rest so to speak. Much appreciated and much deserved of this process! 🥰🙏🏽✌🏽🤩
I hope you receive the funding you need, it sounds like you have found an incredible field.
Me too, me too. Thanks so much for your support and encouragement. I love Positive Psychology with a passion.
It is such an interesting field...was just getting off the ground in my grad school days.
I agree, most definitely! I started learning about and studying Positive Psychology when I was attending George Mason University starting in Spring 2011. I began with taking a phenomenal course by Todd aka Todd Kashdan, Ph.D. via The Science of Well-Being/Character Strengths. I absolutely loved the course and I fully appreciated the person who came to be my favorite Professor of Psychology and current supporter of mine thereafter. I would eventually take many courses such as Cross-Cultural Psychology with Eric Shiraev, Ph.D., and Special Topics: Psychological Fitness with Jerome Short, Ph.D., for example. I was inducted into Psi Chi-The International Honor Society of Psychology in March 2012, and I was afterwards inducted into The Honor Society of Phi Kappa Phi in April 2012, respectively. Consequently, I graduated with Dean’s List recognition via my Bachelor’s degree in Psychology around May 2012.
That's awesome, it sounds like you got a great education and took advantage of all of it. My fingers are crossed you get the funding you need.
Much appreciated. I definitely loved being a scholar in college, and I had multiple sources of people aka friends and Professors who turned out to be supporters of my education. I truly took advantage of my schooling since I had the ultimate chance of a lifetime, in my humble opinion. Thanks so much for crossing your fingers about my potential for scholarship opportunities. Do you have any advice for me on finding additional scholarships? My old friend Dave told me to check out for local scholarships, so I recently did that to find any additional ones. I have been on the unique website, ProFellow, founded/created by Dr. Vicki Johnson. I fortunately continue to receive her emails every so often so it’s been awhile. I highly recommend ProFellow for the UMD students when I used to work as a Program Assistant back in the day for two years’ time starting in February 2015 to February 2017. I worked at the UMD Office of Multi-Ethnic Student Education in College Park, MD. I absolutely loved my job there, and it was my favorite in my entire life. The only reason I ended up losing that job of mine is due to budget cuts. I was fortunate to have been given a going-away party in the office! Can you believe it? I certainly couldn’t at the time, yet it was honestly a Godsend to me. Guess what else? A few of the College Success Scholars (CSS) UMD students told me the following in conversation: “You are a legend.” I honestly couldn’t believe it once again, yet it took me a moment to realize it was actually happening to me. I was extremely thankful and grateful to them. I made sure to connect with many of the students on Facebook to keep in touch going forward.
Beautiful article! I especially appreciated, and needed, the reminder about vulnerability. I have been an over-sharer for as long as I can remember, I think stemming from a deep desire to be understood. But I failed to recognize the truth you shared that not everyone has earned into our tender places...Thank you for sharing this piece.
That makes so much sense. Thank you for being here, and for sharing your thoughts with me.
Thank you thank you thank you for your post! As a fellow clinical psychologist and long-term therapy patient myself, I am deeply appreciative of your vulnerability and sharing your experience so openly. 💛
I bet this means more to me than you know. Thank you for showing up here and thank you for sharing this.
Thank YOU 😊
"almost everything I believe about recovery and healing has come from lived experience"
This is a really, really important point. It's the same in business - even an MBA from the top business school and a Masters in Statistics or Economics or Finance will not replace the experience of actually running a business. Sometimes this is forgotten.
Also, the point that therapy isn't about "healing" is salient; nothing is broken to "fix." It's about being seen and heard - but this requires both people being in the space fully, as actual, embodied humans come together.
Such an interesting point you make (and one that rings too). Education matters, but experience matters more.
Very wise words spoken from a place of experience. #9 & #10 spoke to me. The road to happiness is not a straight highway & it contains detours, roadblocks & rough rides. That you travel this road while practicing self-compassion is vital to growth. Loving yourself as you would a loved one helps the journey be a little smoother - shock absorbers, so to speak, & some GPS help.
Yes to this. Self compassion has been an absolute game changer to me.
I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and this felt like someone turning on the light without blinding me.The ones that hit my body: silence costs more than honesty, boundaries only need my own consent, and nothing changed for me until I felt it,not just understood it. Also your reminder that healing moves at nervous-system pace? That’s the truth I wish I’d learned earlier. 💛🤗
I'm so glad you are here with me. These are all truth. I wish I learned earlier too. But also, how lucky are we that we have learned them at all?
Exactly! I am glad we are on this journey together beautiful! 🥰🤗💛
Wonderful post Michael, thankyou. I'm taking particular note of points 5. When in doubt, slow down, 7. The things you avoid are often most important, and 8. Healing follows your own pace and your own nervous system. (But the whole list was well worth reflecting on!)
Incredible article 👏🏼
Thank you so much. It took a lot of years to learn those lessons, and I'm still learning them every day.
All of these nuggets resonate deeply from my own experience on both sides of the therapy room ❤
I am honored:)
As a retired psychologist, I’m glad to have found you. You’re right. Good therapists must do their own work.
My current therapist is older than me. I first started working with her 20 years ago. Each time I contact her, I cross my fingers and hope that she’s still working. The best therapists are rare and so precious to find.
As someone who’s also had multiple relapses/breakdowns, I am eager to read more about your experiences.
Thank you for this and I'm so glad you are here. I also have a therapist who is older than me and I keep holding my breath waiting for her to tell me she is retiring. I know I will deal with that, but as you said the therapist you feel connected to is hard to find. I will never take it for granted and I always hope to be that for my patients too.
Thank you for the list. You inspire me to include such a list for the story I am writing about my life for my grandchildren. If I had to find a new therapist, my first question would be to tell me where they have done their work....and I don't mean where they studied. I am so grateful for my therapist, who has engaged his own story. He says his whole career came out of the work he has done around his own story. Now, if he can just hold on until I die, he is 15 years younger than my 77 years. I'm pretty sure you have clients who would feel the same way about you.
I am no longer on Substack. I needed to put my energies back into my own blog of 20 years and continue to write my story. I still follow my favorites, though! And you are one of them.
I'm so glad you are still here, maybe one day you will also put your blog up in this space, I would love to follow along. And I totally get how important it is when you find a good therapist that they stick around. I have one of my own and I know she will retire one of these days, but mostly I pretend that's just not so:)
This hits harder because it comes from someone who’s done the work on both sides of the chair.
Thank you. I don't think I could really do this work if I didn't sit on the other side as well.
I’m retired now but was a psychologist for four decades. This post is so very wise and reflects so much of what I discovered in my work with clients and in my own personal deepening and growth. Thank you!
Thank you so much for sharing your response with me, it means more than you know. This work is a gift. Really, being on both sides of the room is the true gift.
So good. Can’t add anything. Saving to re-read.
I’m so glad this resonated. It's a lot of years of learning and relearning for me. And of course, that will never be done.