I have had other therapists cry for me when listening and i found it so moving that they cared so much and had so much empathy for me. I do find your stories on grief very healing, thank you!
Yes, "pre-empting" the "Anniversary Date" is painful, but once the door is opened the pain can surface, dissolve for at least a bit, and the joy can re-surface. A prayer as brief as "Grace" may be enough :-)
What a beautiful and moving post. It made me cry and that is a good thing because in recent years I find I don’t cry easily. I have talked about my work playing therapeutic music for hospital and hospice patients (21 yrs now), and one of the things that has happened to me is that I have learned to bottle up my feelings to the point of not being able to cry. I am sure this must happen to you as a therapist that when a patient is sharing something deeply intimate, at times it resonates so strongly that it brings up your own feelings. But it would not be appropriate for you to go into your own emotional reaction and rather you must keep focused on the patient. There have been so many times when I was playing my guitar for a patient in ICU or hospice when the family was present and I would feel tears coming to the surface but I didn’t think it was ok to start crying in front of all of them. (It was most likely triggering my own grief I had to deal with). So I would tell myself, “I can cry when i get home. “ and then later comes and I can’t cry. This has gone on for years. Now it turns out that I recently learned I had developed a condition of psychosomatic pain in my pelvis. My PT discovered this 2 years ago with me and we thought it was related to a forgotten trauma but I had an episode of it a few months ago. I was playing for a hospice patient, a woman my mother’s age and her daughter (my age) was with her. The woman/patient had taken a turn for the worse and it was clear she was in her last hours . This after she had been stable for many months. I was upset by witnessing this but of course, I stuffed down my own feelings about it. Then later when I got home, I felt the pain in my pelvis - I knew it was there to tell me that I buried my feelings again and I needed to feel them. Once I named the feelings, the pain went away. I say all of this to let you know that I am grateful for your stories of grief, for it really helps me to be able to feel my feelings and not have to stuff them down. Thank you for sharing your beautiful stories. I find them so healing.
This literally feels like an honor to me. Thank you for your words, thank you for sharing your story here, with me. That all lands gently with me. Is someone in a caregiving profession, I absolutely believe it is my job to hold other people's pain, but I will say that I have cried in session unlimited medications. Sometimes the tears just show up.
Thank you again for being here and for sharing some of the hardest parts of life here.
Beautifully written! Resonated so deeply. Grief grips the heart like a fist made of solid steel, other times it flows softly just below the skins surface. Always there, waiting.
I love the way you and your husband communicate and the joy in your family. The grief you hold together for so many dear lives cut short has to be huge, yet you show us how to show up for grief. Inspiring.
I feel wistful for I’ve never known that kind of deep, open, connection between a husband and wife. How lovely to know it’s possible. That loss is my grief right now.
Thank you again for sharing. I am definitely lucky to have a deep connection with my husband, though what I think doesn't come across in some of my writing is how hard we work at that connection. I always want to be cautious not to make things in my life that are deeply difficult sound flowery or easy. Relationships are complicated. And you're right, I am deeply lucky. The loss we ended together brought us closer together, and I know that is not at all a given.
Of course. I have not read enough of your stories to know how hard you’ve worked at your marriage. I don’t yet know enough about the ways that you have come undone.
Connections like the one you and your husband have do not come easily.
Losses like the ones you have faced together are catastrophic. So many couples would be unable to bear their loss productively. A grief that huge can easily tear couples apart. It’s wonderful that you and your husband show us another way. Your story is bittersweet and also hopeful.
Yes, Grief comes when she wants. I remember a time shortly after the last kid went off to college and suddenly his hamster which I had been holding began to die in my hands. His intestines started coming out of his little body and I was so shocked, what pain must he be in. And while my husband found a respectful way to end this poor animals life, I was overcome with grief for those in my life who had died years ago, just layering grief upon grief upon grief upon grief. That tiny animal helped my reconnect with my losses and feel more fully how much I had actually lost. My husband, having taken on the job of killing this little guy and running into difficulties doing so, was also overcome with grief, unmasking unlooked at trauma in his life. Our son took th news of his hamsters death better than we did, reminding us how short their little lives are meant to be. I assume it was for us that we were literallly
What a difficult and powerful experience. I have found that loss compounds loss, and it makes sense to me that when the hamster died, it brought up old losses too.
Oh my! What a graphic example. How sad. One grief triggers grief from the past.
Sometimes movies and TV shows can help trigger grief too. Maybe you’ve been holding something in and then you see a scene in a movie and all the tears come flowing out. Crying can be so healing.
Amazing piece. It would be a great day and my grief will always show up to remind me that it's still here. As much as I try to sit with it, often times I want to shove it away really hard. You speak to it perfectly. Thank you for always showing up for both sides. We matter, and it's hard.
Thank you for sharing this with me and thank you for showing up here. Grief is so tricky, and there's no right way to feel grief, but when it demands to be felt, I have found the best thing for me to do is just sit with it.
My heart just breaks for you and Husband. If I unexpectedly lost one of my brothers or my sister-in-law I am not sure how that would be handled. That tragedy will always carry weight for you both. It is really big of Husband to express this feelings and open up. You have a beautiful connection. This story you wrote is loving and kind and it sits with me 🫶🏻
Thank you for this. He has handled this unbelievable loss with a lot of grace (and a whole lot of pain, of course). It's not always easy, but it has been an honor to be by his side through all of it.
Well those words are a gift to me. So many of struggle through grief alone. I know everyone's experience is different, depending on the loss and the timing and their history, But in my own experience, I've found having a witness and connection around. Grief is the only thing that softens it at all.
This is so beautifully held. The ordinariness at the start makes the quiet shift land even more powerfully, that sense of something subtly unraveling, not because anything went wrong, but because grief is nearby and responsive to love.
I’m really moved by the way you honour both of you here: your attunement without self-blame, his capacity to slow down and name what’s happening, and the shared understanding that some grief is predictable and still surprising every time. That final image, love taking a chair and grief waiting in the shadows, feels deeply true. Not banished, not in charge. Just present.
Thank you for writing this with such tenderness and honesty. It captures how grown-up love actually works: joy, history, loss, breakfast, criticism, repair, all in the same day.
Oh my God, yes to this. I have another piece coming out in a few days about grief, anniversaries, that talks about justice, how grief changes overtime and we can always predict what we are going to feel or need. One of the lines in one of my pieces on grief is "grief is a tricky beast. " I will always stand by that one, and I think it's exactly what you are speaking to.
I have had other therapists cry for me when listening and i found it so moving that they cared so much and had so much empathy for me. I do find your stories on grief very healing, thank you!
NICE personalization of thd recovery process! 👌🌟
I wonder how a ritual could be created
To honor those whom we grieve
And invite the grief to have a voice
Each and every time we meet.
Consider a dedicated amount of time
For the sharing, and then give ourselves
Permission to continue the visit
Acknowledging those missing as present in memorial.
I love this. My experience has mostly been that grief shows up when she wants to, but I like the idea of inviting her in.
Yes, "pre-empting" the "Anniversary Date" is painful, but once the door is opened the pain can surface, dissolve for at least a bit, and the joy can re-surface. A prayer as brief as "Grace" may be enough :-)
Yes to this!
I think you just created it! 👏👏👏
What a beautiful and moving post. It made me cry and that is a good thing because in recent years I find I don’t cry easily. I have talked about my work playing therapeutic music for hospital and hospice patients (21 yrs now), and one of the things that has happened to me is that I have learned to bottle up my feelings to the point of not being able to cry. I am sure this must happen to you as a therapist that when a patient is sharing something deeply intimate, at times it resonates so strongly that it brings up your own feelings. But it would not be appropriate for you to go into your own emotional reaction and rather you must keep focused on the patient. There have been so many times when I was playing my guitar for a patient in ICU or hospice when the family was present and I would feel tears coming to the surface but I didn’t think it was ok to start crying in front of all of them. (It was most likely triggering my own grief I had to deal with). So I would tell myself, “I can cry when i get home. “ and then later comes and I can’t cry. This has gone on for years. Now it turns out that I recently learned I had developed a condition of psychosomatic pain in my pelvis. My PT discovered this 2 years ago with me and we thought it was related to a forgotten trauma but I had an episode of it a few months ago. I was playing for a hospice patient, a woman my mother’s age and her daughter (my age) was with her. The woman/patient had taken a turn for the worse and it was clear she was in her last hours . This after she had been stable for many months. I was upset by witnessing this but of course, I stuffed down my own feelings about it. Then later when I got home, I felt the pain in my pelvis - I knew it was there to tell me that I buried my feelings again and I needed to feel them. Once I named the feelings, the pain went away. I say all of this to let you know that I am grateful for your stories of grief, for it really helps me to be able to feel my feelings and not have to stuff them down. Thank you for sharing your beautiful stories. I find them so healing.
This literally feels like an honor to me. Thank you for your words, thank you for sharing your story here, with me. That all lands gently with me. Is someone in a caregiving profession, I absolutely believe it is my job to hold other people's pain, but I will say that I have cried in session unlimited medications. Sometimes the tears just show up.
Thank you again for being here and for sharing some of the hardest parts of life here.
Your words about how the friend brings painful reminders despite the appreciation was important to me. Thank you for noting that.
And yes - love and grief are inevitably inseparable. 💔
I'm glad my words resonated. Grief is so very complicated.
Beautifully written! Resonated so deeply. Grief grips the heart like a fist made of solid steel, other times it flows softly just below the skins surface. Always there, waiting.
Oh yes, this describes it beautifully.
I love the way you and your husband communicate and the joy in your family. The grief you hold together for so many dear lives cut short has to be huge, yet you show us how to show up for grief. Inspiring.
I feel wistful for I’ve never known that kind of deep, open, connection between a husband and wife. How lovely to know it’s possible. That loss is my grief right now.
Thank you again for sharing. I am definitely lucky to have a deep connection with my husband, though what I think doesn't come across in some of my writing is how hard we work at that connection. I always want to be cautious not to make things in my life that are deeply difficult sound flowery or easy. Relationships are complicated. And you're right, I am deeply lucky. The loss we ended together brought us closer together, and I know that is not at all a given.
Of course. I have not read enough of your stories to know how hard you’ve worked at your marriage. I don’t yet know enough about the ways that you have come undone.
Connections like the one you and your husband have do not come easily.
Losses like the ones you have faced together are catastrophic. So many couples would be unable to bear their loss productively. A grief that huge can easily tear couples apart. It’s wonderful that you and your husband show us another way. Your story is bittersweet and also hopeful.
Thank you for this, and for understanding exactly what I was trying to communicate.
Yes, Grief comes when she wants. I remember a time shortly after the last kid went off to college and suddenly his hamster which I had been holding began to die in my hands. His intestines started coming out of his little body and I was so shocked, what pain must he be in. And while my husband found a respectful way to end this poor animals life, I was overcome with grief for those in my life who had died years ago, just layering grief upon grief upon grief upon grief. That tiny animal helped my reconnect with my losses and feel more fully how much I had actually lost. My husband, having taken on the job of killing this little guy and running into difficulties doing so, was also overcome with grief, unmasking unlooked at trauma in his life. Our son took th news of his hamsters death better than we did, reminding us how short their little lives are meant to be. I assume it was for us that we were literallly
holding grief in our hands.
What a difficult and powerful experience. I have found that loss compounds loss, and it makes sense to me that when the hamster died, it brought up old losses too.
Oh my! What a graphic example. How sad. One grief triggers grief from the past.
Sometimes movies and TV shows can help trigger grief too. Maybe you’ve been holding something in and then you see a scene in a movie and all the tears come flowing out. Crying can be so healing.
It sure can.
I, too, treasure true tales of happy households!
Amazing piece. It would be a great day and my grief will always show up to remind me that it's still here. As much as I try to sit with it, often times I want to shove it away really hard. You speak to it perfectly. Thank you for always showing up for both sides. We matter, and it's hard.
Thank you for sharing this with me and thank you for showing up here. Grief is so tricky, and there's no right way to feel grief, but when it demands to be felt, I have found the best thing for me to do is just sit with it.
Exactly. Sit with it without judgement, guilt or shame ❤️
My heart just breaks for you and Husband. If I unexpectedly lost one of my brothers or my sister-in-law I am not sure how that would be handled. That tragedy will always carry weight for you both. It is really big of Husband to express this feelings and open up. You have a beautiful connection. This story you wrote is loving and kind and it sits with me 🫶🏻
Thank you for this. He has handled this unbelievable loss with a lot of grace (and a whole lot of pain, of course). It's not always easy, but it has been an honor to be by his side through all of it.
Just beautiful
Thank you so much.
Your words around grief are really healing
Well those words are a gift to me. So many of struggle through grief alone. I know everyone's experience is different, depending on the loss and the timing and their history, But in my own experience, I've found having a witness and connection around. Grief is the only thing that softens it at all.
🙏🏼
This is so beautifully held. The ordinariness at the start makes the quiet shift land even more powerfully, that sense of something subtly unraveling, not because anything went wrong, but because grief is nearby and responsive to love.
I’m really moved by the way you honour both of you here: your attunement without self-blame, his capacity to slow down and name what’s happening, and the shared understanding that some grief is predictable and still surprising every time. That final image, love taking a chair and grief waiting in the shadows, feels deeply true. Not banished, not in charge. Just present.
Thank you for writing this with such tenderness and honesty. It captures how grown-up love actually works: joy, history, loss, breakfast, criticism, repair, all in the same day.
Thank you for this beautiful response. It always feels like you are right there beside me.
Beautifully written. The way love and grief sit side by side here feels so true.
Thank you. And yes, it sure has been my experience at least.
Oh my God, yes to this. I have another piece coming out in a few days about grief, anniversaries, that talks about justice, how grief changes overtime and we can always predict what we are going to feel or need. One of the lines in one of my pieces on grief is "grief is a tricky beast. " I will always stand by that one, and I think it's exactly what you are speaking to.
Nice simile about the startling knock 👌
Wasn't it? That got me too.