This really moved me. Thank you for naming, with such care, the difference between technique and attunement, and for holding so much compassion for the therapist who wasn’t the right fit without diminishing your own experience.
Reading this made me feel deeply grateful for my own therapist and the steady, relational work that has helped me heal — not by fixing me, but by staying with me. Your reflection is such a generous reminder that good therapy is about presence, fit, and being witnessed as we are.
It really is life-changing when you find that presence in your life, whether it's in therapy or outside of it. I always think that techniques matter, but only with the right person.
This is so good. I believe this to be true also. My first therapist didn't get me and tried to fix me. My now therapist. Listens and lets me heal myself with guidance from her. I am grateful for our sessions and she is the only one that I can talk with and express my feelings. I wish I could have a friend to say these things to. But everyone always turns it back to themselves. I wish more people would listen instead of trying to give you advice and turn the subject to themselves to try to equate their pain with yours. A good therapist guides you through your words and thats what everyone needs. She gives me the courage to breathe. Thank you for your kind words.
Thank you for this share and incredibly thoughtful response. True listening is rare in this world, and it's part of what makes therapy so unique and powerful. I also wish there was more of it in everyday life.
I wonder how the therapist processed your disappearance. I hope she had a supervisor at the time, to discern what might have been missing on her part. Unfortunately the workbook became another chore, instead of a bridge to the felt connection of presence. Sounded more behavioral oriented, do the mechanical correction and the symptoms will resolve, versus the connection that come with deep presence which invites the client to engage deeper with themselves, and the therapist is the bridge, not the fixer.
If I had a patient with a very serious diagnosis, even a youth with a long drive, I would have at least made a phone call to discern what wasn't working. You haven't forgotten her, sadly she may have been dismissive, ultimately at her own expense. If nothing else, I try to assure clients an unsatisfactory fit is understandable - but don't give up on finding the best fit person to continue your process of self-discovery, leading to healing.
I've always shied away from worksheets. The clients who like them tend to view therapy as a class to attend and want their progress to be graded. They want therapy to be this neat little package. They mistake the tools of therapy for healing.
I totally agree. I've never been able to bring myself to use one as a clinician. And I am a homework, kind of person, but definitely not in the therapy room.
I totally agree. I've never been able to bring myself to use one as a clinician. And I am a homework, kind of person, but definitely not in the therapy room.
The late Stephen Mitchell, co-author of the seminal book on Objects Relations along with Jay Greenberg, said that the choice of therapist is more important than the choice of spouse. And many have said that "it's the relationship that cures." As a psychotherapist for 30+ years and a patient for more than that amount of time, I agree with both statements. Meeting a patient where he/she is and being flexible enough to not be rigidly of one orientation or another but being conversant with several modalities -- I believe that the most important criterion is attunement which can create a good therapeutic relationship.
I too have had good therapists, workbook therapists, and ones that were so horrible… I’m grateful for them all in a way because it has taught me about the social worker I want to be, and not to be. Thank you for writing this piece.
This resonates deeply. What failed here wasn’t CBT as a method, but the assumption that regulation and correction are always the place to begin. Cognitive Transformational Mindfulness (CTM) starts from this exact insight: before techniques, there must be coherence, safety, and an attuned relationship with one’s own experience. CTM treats mindfulness not as a workbook skill, but as a living framework that stabilizes the nervous system and restores agency so insight can actually land. I write about this distinction often on Substack—because sometimes the most healing move isn’t fixing the mind, but creating the conditions where the self can reorganize on its own.
Wondering why a clinician who does not do an inadequate evaluation, makes the wrong ie incomplete diagnosis and offers a preordained treatment based on her skill set not your needs is called ‘ good ‘ . What part of that is good?
I hear you. I honestly have no idea if she is good. I suppose the better way to say it is that I have no idea whether she was a skilled clinician underneath it all. If my memory holds, she did do an assessment,, but the kind that comes from a checklist, not the kind that comes from getting to know me. Frankly, I didn't stick around long enough to see if there was more there.
This one hits home. The therapist’s “couch” has to fit. I stayed with one too long once. It was me— I was determined to please him. I was a mess by the time I left. Thanks for normalizing this.
This is so true! I've been in and out of therapy for the last 30+ years. The person who is helping me the most is my social worker. I've been with her for over 5 years and her presence is what has helped me heal the most. She is genuine, she shares in my delight, she let's me cry without trying to fix it...she just let's me rant and cry. Usually by the end of the session we are laughing together. She says fuck, just like I do. When I say I love her, she responds in kind - I love you too! I know therapists have a code of ethics...with her everything is much more fluid!
This is lovely that you have found her. And I think it's quite possible to maintain a coat of ethics and be a true presence for the people you work with.
That was almost excellent and beautifully thoughtful article of yours this morning! It really reminded me of myself and my Psychological state of being, after I had been with therapists in the past. I know what it’s like to be therapeutic for people before I even started in the field of Psychology and went to college to become a Positive Psychology Coach. In fact, I even went to graduate school at UMD College Park in the Clinical Psychological Science program alongside fellow graduate students and Professors who are trained in the field, themselves. I came to realize that I want to be a professional of Positive, Clinical, and Industrial-Organizational Psychology at some point, yet I can at least finally be accepted into Centenary University for the MA Happiness Studies degree program as part of my process. I couldn’t finish graduate school the first time at UMD College Park because I ended up suffering an ischemic stroke in mid-February 2017, and so my career completely changed in no uncertain terms. The good thing is, years later, I would end up being on better circumstances and better footing to enable this new sense of victory here in 2025 by being accepted into the online MA Happiness Studies degree program. The only difference is that now, I have to find a unique way of receiving scholarships in order to pay for graduate school. If I can’t, then I won’t have that opportunity in the first place.
Thank you once again for your fantastic article! I now have a really nice Therapist that is actually helping me with my issues of Grief, Trauma, and Sexual Abuse that have occurred in my life during my past. The only current problem right now is that I won’t get to see my Therapist for a while into early January 2026 because she’s out of the office. Fortunately though, I can still email my Therapist in case something significant happens, and I am actually fortunate to be able to showcase my new poems to my Therapist with no issues therein.
It sounds like you have been through so much. And honestly, I think having heart experiences often makes people better clinicians. I'm glad you've found someone you or well with that. They are available to you. He can be a hard relationship to find and one worth holding onto when you do.
Yes indeed, most definitely I have been through a lot in my life. Fortunately, I have faith, a small circle of friends, my aunt, and like-minded professionals in my life that support me on Facebook, Substack, and offline too. I definitely concur with you about having heart experiences making better clinicians. I really appreciate the vote of confidence you have in me! 🥰🙏🏽✌🏽🤩
My current Therapist is a lady, by the way, and not a guy. I admit I have some regular guy friends of course, yet I am a divorced (as of 2016), straight guy. I do have a male Therapist, Dr. Arnold, who still sees myself and other residents every couple of weeks at Birmingham Green nursing home, yet he doesn’t talk therapy to me about my issues with Grief, Trauma, and Sexual Abuse whatsoever. He normally talks to me about what I am up to, how I am doing, what my life has been like every couple of weeks at a time, what Imam reading, how my poetry is going, and about my educational pursuits with graduate school.
I love this and as an integrative psychotherapist, I totally agree, we need to walk alongside the client and provide what the client needs. CBT is a very helpful therapeutic tool but being heard, validated and supported in a non-judgemental way is always more important.
This really moved me. Thank you for naming, with such care, the difference between technique and attunement, and for holding so much compassion for the therapist who wasn’t the right fit without diminishing your own experience.
Reading this made me feel deeply grateful for my own therapist and the steady, relational work that has helped me heal — not by fixing me, but by staying with me. Your reflection is such a generous reminder that good therapy is about presence, fit, and being witnessed as we are.
It really is life-changing when you find that presence in your life, whether it's in therapy or outside of it. I always think that techniques matter, but only with the right person.
This is so good. I believe this to be true also. My first therapist didn't get me and tried to fix me. My now therapist. Listens and lets me heal myself with guidance from her. I am grateful for our sessions and she is the only one that I can talk with and express my feelings. I wish I could have a friend to say these things to. But everyone always turns it back to themselves. I wish more people would listen instead of trying to give you advice and turn the subject to themselves to try to equate their pain with yours. A good therapist guides you through your words and thats what everyone needs. She gives me the courage to breathe. Thank you for your kind words.
Thank you for this share and incredibly thoughtful response. True listening is rare in this world, and it's part of what makes therapy so unique and powerful. I also wish there was more of it in everyday life.
I wonder how the therapist processed your disappearance. I hope she had a supervisor at the time, to discern what might have been missing on her part. Unfortunately the workbook became another chore, instead of a bridge to the felt connection of presence. Sounded more behavioral oriented, do the mechanical correction and the symptoms will resolve, versus the connection that come with deep presence which invites the client to engage deeper with themselves, and the therapist is the bridge, not the fixer.
We only had a couple of sessions, I'm sure it did not cause her too much distress!
If I had a patient with a very serious diagnosis, even a youth with a long drive, I would have at least made a phone call to discern what wasn't working. You haven't forgotten her, sadly she may have been dismissive, ultimately at her own expense. If nothing else, I try to assure clients an unsatisfactory fit is understandable - but don't give up on finding the best fit person to continue your process of self-discovery, leading to healing.
Truth!
I've always shied away from worksheets. The clients who like them tend to view therapy as a class to attend and want their progress to be graded. They want therapy to be this neat little package. They mistake the tools of therapy for healing.
I totally agree. I've never been able to bring myself to use one as a clinician. And I am a homework, kind of person, but definitely not in the therapy room.
I totally agree. I've never been able to bring myself to use one as a clinician. And I am a homework, kind of person, but definitely not in the therapy room.
The late Stephen Mitchell, co-author of the seminal book on Objects Relations along with Jay Greenberg, said that the choice of therapist is more important than the choice of spouse. And many have said that "it's the relationship that cures." As a psychotherapist for 30+ years and a patient for more than that amount of time, I agree with both statements. Meeting a patient where he/she is and being flexible enough to not be rigidly of one orientation or another but being conversant with several modalities -- I believe that the most important criterion is attunement which can create a good therapeutic relationship.
I agree with everything about this. I am so grateful for the good fits therapists have found along the way, they have changed my whole path.
Manualized therapy can treat the client as an « it » to be acted upon not a « person » unique and complex .
I too have had good therapists, workbook therapists, and ones that were so horrible… I’m grateful for them all in a way because it has taught me about the social worker I want to be, and not to be. Thank you for writing this piece.
Yes, we can learn from the good and the bad, but it sure would be nice to just have the good:)
This resonates deeply. What failed here wasn’t CBT as a method, but the assumption that regulation and correction are always the place to begin. Cognitive Transformational Mindfulness (CTM) starts from this exact insight: before techniques, there must be coherence, safety, and an attuned relationship with one’s own experience. CTM treats mindfulness not as a workbook skill, but as a living framework that stabilizes the nervous system and restores agency so insight can actually land. I write about this distinction often on Substack—because sometimes the most healing move isn’t fixing the mind, but creating the conditions where the self can reorganize on its own.
Wondering why a clinician who does not do an inadequate evaluation, makes the wrong ie incomplete diagnosis and offers a preordained treatment based on her skill set not your needs is called ‘ good ‘ . What part of that is good?
I hear you. I honestly have no idea if she is good. I suppose the better way to say it is that I have no idea whether she was a skilled clinician underneath it all. If my memory holds, she did do an assessment,, but the kind that comes from a checklist, not the kind that comes from getting to know me. Frankly, I didn't stick around long enough to see if there was more there.
This one hits home. The therapist’s “couch” has to fit. I stayed with one too long once. It was me— I was determined to please him. I was a mess by the time I left. Thanks for normalizing this.
Absolutely. I totally get that too, glad you found a way out:)
This is so true! I've been in and out of therapy for the last 30+ years. The person who is helping me the most is my social worker. I've been with her for over 5 years and her presence is what has helped me heal the most. She is genuine, she shares in my delight, she let's me cry without trying to fix it...she just let's me rant and cry. Usually by the end of the session we are laughing together. She says fuck, just like I do. When I say I love her, she responds in kind - I love you too! I know therapists have a code of ethics...with her everything is much more fluid!
This is lovely that you have found her. And I think it's quite possible to maintain a coat of ethics and be a true presence for the people you work with.
That was almost excellent and beautifully thoughtful article of yours this morning! It really reminded me of myself and my Psychological state of being, after I had been with therapists in the past. I know what it’s like to be therapeutic for people before I even started in the field of Psychology and went to college to become a Positive Psychology Coach. In fact, I even went to graduate school at UMD College Park in the Clinical Psychological Science program alongside fellow graduate students and Professors who are trained in the field, themselves. I came to realize that I want to be a professional of Positive, Clinical, and Industrial-Organizational Psychology at some point, yet I can at least finally be accepted into Centenary University for the MA Happiness Studies degree program as part of my process. I couldn’t finish graduate school the first time at UMD College Park because I ended up suffering an ischemic stroke in mid-February 2017, and so my career completely changed in no uncertain terms. The good thing is, years later, I would end up being on better circumstances and better footing to enable this new sense of victory here in 2025 by being accepted into the online MA Happiness Studies degree program. The only difference is that now, I have to find a unique way of receiving scholarships in order to pay for graduate school. If I can’t, then I won’t have that opportunity in the first place.
Thank you once again for your fantastic article! I now have a really nice Therapist that is actually helping me with my issues of Grief, Trauma, and Sexual Abuse that have occurred in my life during my past. The only current problem right now is that I won’t get to see my Therapist for a while into early January 2026 because she’s out of the office. Fortunately though, I can still email my Therapist in case something significant happens, and I am actually fortunate to be able to showcase my new poems to my Therapist with no issues therein.
It sounds like you have been through so much. And honestly, I think having heart experiences often makes people better clinicians. I'm glad you've found someone you or well with that. They are available to you. He can be a hard relationship to find and one worth holding onto when you do.
Yes indeed, most definitely I have been through a lot in my life. Fortunately, I have faith, a small circle of friends, my aunt, and like-minded professionals in my life that support me on Facebook, Substack, and offline too. I definitely concur with you about having heart experiences making better clinicians. I really appreciate the vote of confidence you have in me! 🥰🙏🏽✌🏽🤩
My current Therapist is a lady, by the way, and not a guy. I admit I have some regular guy friends of course, yet I am a divorced (as of 2016), straight guy. I do have a male Therapist, Dr. Arnold, who still sees myself and other residents every couple of weeks at Birmingham Green nursing home, yet he doesn’t talk therapy to me about my issues with Grief, Trauma, and Sexual Abuse whatsoever. He normally talks to me about what I am up to, how I am doing, what my life has been like every couple of weeks at a time, what Imam reading, how my poetry is going, and about my educational pursuits with graduate school.
I love this and as an integrative psychotherapist, I totally agree, we need to walk alongside the client and provide what the client needs. CBT is a very helpful therapeutic tool but being heard, validated and supported in a non-judgemental way is always more important.
Agreed! Techniques matter, but only in the right presence...